New Moon Live Thoughts

On May 4, 2012 by Kim Wetter

A long, long time ago when I worked at BuddyTV, I convinced some of my coworkers to watch the first film with me. They hated Twilight and all things related to Twilight and honestly knew nothing about it. But we enjoyed ourselves doing our Twilight live thoughts. So, of course, we need to follow it up with New Moon (and in a couple weeks, I promise, Eclipse). Here it is, in all it’s glory, our live thoughts of New Moon:

 

Meghan: NEW MOOOOOOOOOON!!!

 

‪Oscar: YEEAAAAAAAAHHHH

 

‪Meghan: Like OLD MOON, but MORE RECENT!

 

‪Oscar: True statements. Kim Wetter is eating right now.

 

‪Meghan: Ok, so here are our tasks before Kristen Stewart graces the screen

 

‪Kim: Bone her?

 

‪Meghan: 1. oscar and I list what we know about the film going in.

2. we establish our expectations, hopes and dreams.

3. we make a drinking game because we’re going to need it.

 

‪Oscar: I’ll go first

1. Things I know:

Team Jacob vs. Team Edward is a thing

Dakota Fanning and/or Michael Sheen appear in the film and both are weird for different reasons

 

‪Meghan: I thought you said Martin instead of Michael Sheen and got super excited and then depressed and then angry. What I know: 1. Taylor Lautner’s abs; Kristen Stewart gets a paper cut; Kristen Stewart turns into a bull dyke on a motorcycle (according to Kim); Abs; Werewolf abs; Someone named Kellan Lutz exists.

 

Kim: Man, I do really wish Kristen Stewart was a bull dyke. Also, I haven’t seen this movie since it premiered. I don’t think even I have the emotional capacity for a movie like this

 

‪Meghan: Well she might not be a bull dyke but you’re right, a young woman on a motorcycle is an unavoidable lesbian metaphor.

 

Oscar: FOR THE RECORD: I think Kristen Stewart is attractive. 2. I expect this movie to be very bad, but worse: exceedingly boring

 

‪Meghan: 2. I expect it to make no sense, involve too much staring and make me grossed out almost constantly.

 

‪Oscar: this is what happened in the first movie: rpatZZZ and Kstewww met, inexplicably fell in love, then stared at each other for 2 hours and there was a baseball thing
the baseball thing

‪Meghan: Baseball in the first one! Will we get vampire tennis in this one? Bowling?

 

‪Oscar: Vampire Water Polo

 

‪Oscar: Half Moon into No Moon into New Moon: that was the first shot of the movie in words

new moon gif

‪Meghan: What happened to Kristen Stewart’s face? Did it get frozen in an ice storm?

 

‪Kim: DON’T YOU MESS WITH KRISTEN STEWART’S FACE

 

‪Meghan: She has, max, 5 muscles in that face

 

‪Oscar: I think she’s dreaming

 

‪Meghan: creepy old lady is creepy

new moon grandma

‪Oscar: I mean, you can never be sure… GRANDMA

 

‪Meghan: We are 30 seconds in and i am already regretting this

 

‪Kim: Kristen Stewart freakout #1 of the movie

 

‪Oscar: This is suppsed to symbolize something… Did RPATZ have sex with her grandma?

 

‪Kim: There is no sex in Twilight Oscar, don’t be offensively non-morman

 

‪Meghan: Glitter face!

 

‪Oscar: She IS her grandma? OH!

 

‪Meghan: Ok, seriously what the fuuu is happening

 

‪Kim: Your guys’ failure to understand the intro to this very simple movie confounds me

 

‪Meghan: Oh yeah, i remember this guy! Dad who looks like criminal on ‘to catch a predator’

 

Kim: Kristen stewart freakout #2

 

‪Oscar: “I don’t want any presents.” “Here’s a present.” “Awesome!”
bella likes presents

‪Meghan: haha, AGE joke! she’s all like, “It’s not that old, compared to IMMORTAL!”

 

‪Kim: GREY HAIR?!?!?!

 

‪Oscar: FORKS! And there’s an Oscar Nominee!

 

‪Kim: Mike got acne…. heeeeehheeeeee
yeah he did

‪Meghan: it’s such a gamble naming your kid “Bella.” what if she had grown up to have, like, a weird eye?

 

‪Oscar: “A scrapbook. You know, for memoriez.”

 

‪Kim: SLOW MO!!

 

‪Meghan: LOLOLOL slow walking rpattz
edward volvo ad

‪Oscar: Dumbest Volvo ad ever.

 

‪Kim: 109 years old… and that’s not supposed to creepy! It is gross

gross

‪Meghan: You’re right, Kstew. It IS gross.

 

‪Oscar: Yes, you should be grossed out. “I WANT TO FUCK YOU” Eyes #1

 

‪Meghan: hahahahaha Taylor Lautner’s hair is bananaaaas

 

‪Oscar: Does the carpet match the preposterously long drapes, Jacob?
New Moon Jacob

‪Kim: Take a ride! (and Oscar squeals like a 15 year old girl)

 

‪Oscar: This is better than I could have imagined so far. “It catches bad dreams. It’s called a Dreamcatcher.”

 

‪Meghan: OMG whyyy

 

‪Kim: Who wraps presents in black too? Is that weird just to me?

 

‪Oscar: That girl Alice is actually super hot right?

 

‪Meghan: she can see the future? Is that a thing vampires can do in this f’ed up world?

 

KIM ANSWER ME

 

hot alice

‪Kim: OH sorry, I was distracted by her hottness under that gross makeup, but she can see the future. Jasper can control people’s moods but they never explain it in these films

 

‪Meghan: Was I supposed to remember that? I was too busy being the mayor of bonetown last time

 

‪Oscar: So, they live in Forks because everyone is pale in Forks?

 

‪Meghan: Mumble mumble I am too old for this movie. This whispered dialogue is literally under my ear’s wavelength

 

‪Oscar: Is that the reason?

 

‪Meghan: flashback! “go to Italy, eat some gelato…”

 

‪Oscar: THEY’RE INTRODUCING A PLOT!

 

‪Meghan: Finally live somewhere where my immortal ass can DRINK

 

‪Kim: Can Mormons drink?

 

‪Oscar: THE PICTURE CAME TO LIFE

 

‪Meghan: Is this a living painting, like Kanye’s?

kanye's living painting
jasper is mad at kayne

‪Kim: Wizards have to keep themselves a secret too, but they are cooler

 

‪Meghan: OMG he’s the hand highlander!

 

‪Oscar: KIM – Why don’t they bone, again?

 

‪Meghan: “We’re 17 and this relationship is the end-all, be-all of our lives.” – something no one ever thinks or really believes

 

‪Kim: BOOBS! Sorry, Alice distracted me again. They can’t bone because he has morals or something

 

‪Meghan: What’s with the blonde who has pink eye

 

‪Kim: Rosalie is supposed to hate Bella so I think pink eye means malice. Duh Meghan! Also, PAPERCUT scene

 

‪Oscar: Slo-mo paper cut

paper cut in slow mo

‪Meghan: PAPER CUT I knew this happened, because Kim made me watch the trailer 8 times. Again, I wonder: why can’t vampires control their appetites? It’s not like every time I see pizza I wanna stab everyone in the room until I can has it

 

‪Oscar: So, in this highly metaphoric world of Twilight is to Blood =….?

 

Kim: As Kim is to Cleavage?

 

‪Meghan: Blood is like meth + heroine rolled in a chocolate donut

 

‪Oscar: mmmm….heroin donut

 

‪Meghan: “like … hell?”

 

‪Kim: Guys… It’s still Mike Dexter: “Someone in there called me a fag….”

mike dexter

‪Meghan: “You’ve always been very gracious about us, though that motivation was never explained in the first film but we’re reminding everyone about it now, remember?”

 

‪Kim: “As long as I’m human…” It’s called life Bella, deal with it like the rest of us

 

‪Meghan: I’ve been distracting myself into not actually paying attention to the “plot” so far. Kim, catch me up.

 

‪Oscar: What we’ve learned: Bella really wants to be changed and Jacob has spectacular hair

 

‪Meghan: Vampires don’t HAVE souls. Somewhere, the buffyverse is PISSED.

 

‪Kim: Bella is upset that it’s her birthday because she thinks Edward won’t want her when she’s older. He won’t “change” her because he thinks she’ll go to hell. Victoria is after them and Edward has plans to kill himself if Bella ever dies. That is all.

 

‪Oscar: KISS ME! C’mon, play the song “Kiss Me!” Dammit. Missed opportunity!

 

‪Kim: Jizzed in my pants!

 

‪Oscar: He definitely just came
bella and edward kissbella and edward kiss
‪Meghan: Her kisses are KILLER! (get it?) #shootsmyself

 

‪Oscar: “Bella, you make me cum, but I always cum angry.”

“SO fuck you”

 

‪Meghan: Oscar you are crass. I shall call you “Oscrass”

 

‪Oscar: Where’s he going again?

 

‪Kim: He’s GOING to break her heart, Oscar

 

‪Oscar: Good soundtrack

 

‪Kim: Recognize

 

Meghan: Melodramatic montage time! Is this Bon Iver? Seriously, music?

 

Oscar: “Let’s go into the woods.”

 

‪Kim: Oh come on Oscar, you know she followed him back there in hopes of a rumble in the dirt.

 

‪Meghan: “Moving in together? It’s too soon, Bella. You are literally a child.”

 

‪Oscar: I am literally an Ernest Borgnine older than you

 

‪Meghan: I just imagined a Kristen-Ernest-Robert sandwich. AHHAHAHAHAH

 

‪Kim: I like how he prays on her insecurities to keep her there

 

‪Meghan: “I don’t want you to cum”

 

‪Oscar: WOWOWOWOW

 

‪Meghan: HOLY DOUBLE ENTENDRE, BATMAN

 

‪Oscar: “I’m cumming” Was this on the Oscar reel?

cumming

‪Meghan: Kim, did anyone LOL at that in the theater?

 

‪Kim: No, unfortunately not. It appears we have a lower-brow sense of humor than teenagers. This bodes well for our futures.

 

‪Meghan: Or were they too morminnocent?

 

‪Oscar: HA

 

‪Meghan: if only there were oscars awarded for heavy breathing

 

‪Oscar: KIM – a question:

 

‪Meghan: Is this when she discovers the door to Narnia?

 

‪Oscar: Is the Big twist in this series that RPatz is actually Kstews great-grandfather? Because that would be sweet!

 

‪Kim: Oh, man, Narnia would be sweet. Meghan trump!

 

‪Meghan: When do they go to fancypants italy-town? I wanna see some CAPES!

 

‪Oscar: That was not a convincing trip

 

‪Kim: It wasn’t a trip, it was the inability to stand via a broken heart. God, I’m like the Twilight interpreter for you two.

weirdness
Oscar: Oh, this is the scene where a werewolf rapes her?

 

‪Kim: WEREWOLVES ARE PURE

 

‪Meghan: Finally, some supernatural activitiezzzz

 

‪Oscar: IT IS

 

‪Meghan: Anne Hathaway??? Oh, no, its just Taylor Lautner!

 

‪Oscar: “We found her, she was passed out and dry humping a puddle.”

 

‪Meghan: HAHA this movie thinks we care what month it is

 

‪Kim: Montage of the longest cry shesh ever since Peyton Manning got dropped from the Colts.
Bella's depressed LOL Pictures, Images and Photos

‪Meghan: Bella, you epitomize “fall fail”

 

‪Oscar: She is the worst

 

‪Kim: acullen@gmail.com – we should try to e-mail that

 

‪Meghan: Go on match.com, watch some Oprah and GET OVER IT. #breakupadvice

 

‪Oscar: Angriest wet dream ever

 

‪Meghan: It’s like I’ve been stabbed in the chest … with my LOVE

 

‪Kim: I do like how her dad gets drunk off Rainers and passes out in front of the TV every night though. That’s good parenting in my book.

 

Also, Bella hates shopping? Rides a motorcycle? I bet she also plays softball and listens to Tegan and Sara? amiright? just me?

 

‪Oscar: Forks vs. Jacksonville: the option Satan gives you when you reach hell.

 

‪Meghan: Was that even English, what she just said? Are my ears too old or do I just not speak bullshit?

 

‪Oscar: Anna Kendrick = sometimes very attractive, sometimes not

anna kendrick

‪Kim: “After awhile, I’m like ‘you’re still bumming? I’m going through stuff too'” LOVE HER

 

‪Meghan: OMG SEVERED GHOST HEAD

 

‪Oscar: Is this actually like Shutter Island?

 

‪Meghan: He should have opened his mouth really wide and then sped forward to look like he was gonna eat her head, and then evaporated #ghostadvice

 

‪Oscar: CGI budget: $0

 

‪Meghan: Is he in her mind or doing some sort of telepathy vision thing?

 

‪Kim: No, she’s legit crazy. Don’t worry; you’re not missing anymore vampire magic they never explain. No subtle supernatural shit here… move along.

 

‪Meghan: Wear a helmet! You are a human!

 

‪Oscar: She’s trying to get herself killed so Edward will come find her because she saw his ghost?

 

‪Meghan: I would also like to know what the hell is wrong with her / this movie… “I saved it from the junkyard” — what no one should say when they find Twilight books in the trash

 

‪Oscar: That’s a woman’s wig and it looks like Anjelica Houston’s hair or maybe Cher, circa-Moonstruck
Twilight
‪Meghan: My shirtlessness alarms are going off! “You’re, like, buff!”

 

‪Kim: On the inside he’s singing “I’m sexy and I know it”

 

‪Meghan: Audible PFFFFFs in the room when bella says “I don’t really like music anymore”

 

‪Kim: At least Bella knows she’s a 17 year old that acts like a 35 year old which is actually the saddest thing in the world (sadder than a 109 year old virgin even)

 

‪Oscar: GRAB ASS

 

‪Meghan: His dog friends are dicks! They totally sold him out! That’s some bro on bro blasphemy!

 

‪Kim: Bella: “I am into the cougar thing. #dunworryboutit”

 

‪Meghan: Dude her screaming is the WORST

 

‪Oscar: Director: Kristen, pretend your sleeping, and then someone literally runs a chainsaw down your spine

 

‪Meghan: Stupid dream catcher! Wait until I write my Amazon review!

 

‪Kim: He’s a “Terminal bachelor.” Is that like Tom Hanks?

terminal bachelor

‪Meghan: “Terminal bachelor” = “leather daddy”

 

‪Oscar: Mad bike skillz

 

‪Meghan: Taylor Lautner = Julia Stiles + horse

 

‪Oscar: Wow! He does look like Julia Stiles

 

‪Kim:  Julia Stiles + Black Beauty

 

Meghan: Ooo, isn’t his last name black? I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE

 

‪Kim: He touched her hand…. orgasm

 

‪Meghan: Nice hoggg, bella

 

‪Oscar: RPATZ SPANK BANK GHOST

 

‪Meghan: It’s about time she got SOMETHING between her thighs, ifyaknowwhaddimean?

 

‪Kim: Of course she hits a rock!

 

‪Meghan: Do helmets not exist in this universe? GAH IM A MOM

 

‪Oscar: “Is it hot in here?” shirt comes off

 

‪Kim: That can’t be sanitary. What kind of infection do you get from sweat to the head wound?

sort of beautiful
‪Meghan: This movie really wants me to have pedophiliac lust for Taylor Lautner, but I REFUSE

 

‪Oscar: Don’t do it! I believe in you!

 

‪Kim: The gaysian has a girlfriend guys. Big steps in movie two.

 

‪Meghan: This kid in the plaid has said about 10 words and I already hate him. Stutterface, get outta here!

 

‪Kim: Hot, uninteresting girl finally starts eating and speaking again and all of a sudden he wants date her. He has very low standards.

 

‪Oscar: “FACEPUNCH” or “Love Spelled Backwards is Love”

 

‪Meghan: “Facepunch,” a film by Michael Bay and M. Night Shamalongadingdong

 

‪Meghan: Is he seriously throwing up? Is plaid shirt pregnant?

 

‪Kim: AWKWARD HAND HOLD otherwise known as my college years (I’m a late bloomer)

 

‪Oscar: Why would anyone like this person?

 

‪Meghan: I’m totally team Jacob! Love the one you’re with, guuurl or, as they taught me in kindergarten, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Granted, it was about school lunches, but the wisdom is relevant (and just as sophisticated)

 

‪Oscar: “I’m not like a car you can fix up, I will always be this awful, joyless, wet blanket”

wet blanket

‪Meghan: Girl needs the blankets in her bed to get wet

 

‪Kim: Wetter is better! Am I right? Am I right? *crickets*

 

‪Oscar: I have never talked to anyone as intensely as 95% of the conversations in this movie

 

‪Meghan: Are werewolves aroused by vomit the way vampires are about blood?

 

‪Oscar: YES! I hope so

 

‪Kim: “I’m burnin up… I’m burning up for your love!”

jacob burning

‪Meghan: Your dad says you have mono…tone

 

‪Kim: Thank god he cut his hair off and now we just have to wait for Bella to get the same haircut.

 

‪Meghan: Puberty is so intense around here

Oscar: I haven’t seen a Native American this wet since the sprinklers went off inside the casino. HEY O

 

‪Meghan: OH I get it, so he was initiated into the werewolf cult and that means he has to hate vampires now? Yes? Am I winning?

 

‪Oscar: It’s killing me. It kills me

 

‪Meghan: Everything “kills” Bella. The more she says it, the less impact it has.

 

‪Kim: MEGHAN… get up on this 16 year old. Just do it. He STEAMS in the rain.

 

‪Meghan: Even the wetness cannot convince me to lust for a child who looks like an inbred pug (sorry Taylor) but I am still team Jacob. I like his personality. (I mean, by comparison)

 

‪Oscar: “Remember that time we looked at each other in the grass. You were sparkling. We looked at each other for like, literally 3 hours. And then we ran. We didn’t talk, but we did look at each other. Emotionless, yes, but it was still fun.”

 

‪Meghan: If you drank every time there was a melodramatic spinning scene in the woods while sad piano music played, you would go to the alcohol poisoning ward in the death hospital

 

‪Oscar: So, let’s be clear: if a black guy becomes a vampire, wouldn’t he still turn pale?

 

‪Meghan: Black vampires are a little like black British people: it is easy to forget they exist,

 

‪Oscar: HAMMURABI’S CODE

 

‪Kim: haha “mating” Oh, I’m sorry Oscar, did you make an intelligent reference?

 

‪Meghan: HAMBURGER’S COLD

 

‪Kim: Chastity something. Something souls
 
‪Meghan: Will.i.am is not a very good actor

will.i.am

‪Oscar: This CGI is amazingly bad: I haven’t seen Native Americans this poorly represented since the Louisiana Purchase…HEY O!

 

‪Meghan: Ok enough, Jeff Foxworthy

 

‪Oscar: I’ve got like 20 more

awkward

Kim: He left her unprotected without her vampire birth control but you don’t see her complaining, do you? Oh wait, you do.

 

‪Meghan: Taylor just got done blasting his pecks, thought he’d stop by…

 

‪Oscar: Bella, I just got back from gymnastics

 

‪Meghan: I have a secret: this movie suckkkkkks

 

‪Kim: I got a secret: this movie has tooooooo many emotions

 

‪Meghan: Sorry twilight but you’re phoning it in here.

 

‪Oscar: Everyone talks independently of each other in these movies. I think that’s why the dialogue makes no sense.

 

‪Meghan: I have a hard time following what is happening. Is that my fault (for typing too much) or the movie’s fault for all the mumbling?

 

‪Oscar: “I gotta go… I really confused myself right there”

 

‪Kim: I like how werewolves are never-nudes

 

‪Meghan: Haha, Jacob’s secret is like “The Secret” (book). Platitudes platitudes platitudes NOW YOU’RE DIFFERENT

 

‪Kim: She just slapped the hot werewolf. Who is this hot werewolf and why is he not more popular with the Twi-ladies than Taylor Lautner? He’s OF AGE!

hot werewolf

‪Meghan: Van Helsing had better CGI than this

 

‪Oscar: Ghostbusters had better CGI than this

 

‪Kim: OH MY GOD! I forgot to keep count! This must be Kristen Stewart freak-out #7 or so. I’m a failure. I suck.

 

‪Oscar: IS IT POSSIBLE THAT EVERYTHING IS TRUE?

 

‪Meghan: “Is it possible that everything is true?” is the DUMBEST thing to ask to anyone ever

 

‪Oscar: Bella invented a new philosophical mindset

 

Kim: It’s the opposite of a nihilist

 

‪Meghan:Uh oh their mom got Facepunched

 

‪Oscar: Don’t stare at her face. FACEPUNCH

 

Meghan: Oh so that woman is a werewife?

werewife

‪Meghan: “The two shirtless werewolves wave their muffins playfully”

 

‪Oscar: Bella is so insecure she has to explain her own non-jokes

 

‪Kim: Jokes are so much funnier when you have to explain them. Edward taught Bella this before he left. He was like “WOODS BREAKUP… jokes”

 

‪Meghan: Bella, is the entire reason that the Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated” exists!

 

‪Kim: Jacob’s coming out scene! “It’s not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way.”

jacob comes out

‪Meghan: Victoria, the worst ginger in the WORLD

 

‪Oscar: “Jacob gulps”

 

‪Meghan: Vampires vs. werewolves!!! Ultimate battle to the death waaah!!! (that is what I’m supposed to think, right?)

 

‪Oscar: VOLVO AD

 

‪Meghan: The gaysian will never convince me he is straight, no matter how many parking lot kisses he gives

 

‪Oscar: This isn’t like the big build up, right?

 

‪Kim: Guys, you are losing focus again. This is the montage of sadness vs Victoria

 

‪Oscar: This isn’t the rocky training montage?

 

‪Meghan: Ginger bitch vs. ginger bitch

 

‪Oscar: Why is everyone always in the fucking woods?

 

‪Meghan: Radiohead is kind of convincing me that this scene is awesome? What?

 

‪Oscar: Radiohead is making me happy right now. Everything feels incongruous right now

 

‪Meghan: Did medicine man die of too much excitement?

medicine man

‪Kim: I think they used him as some human sacrifice. No, he just had a heart attack? Stupid non-magical medicine man.

 

‪Oscar: THAT WAS MEDICINE MAN? Oh wait, I’m thinking of Sean Connery

 

‪Meghan: Oh Edward, your voice in my brain is the best anti-suicide hotline.

 

‪Oscar: I’m so going to jump of this cliff right now

 

‪Kim: They do skim over the suicide aspect a lot. Observe.

 

‪Meghan: Did she just baptize herself into being not such a useless, dependent asshole?

 

‪Oscar: MERMAID

 

‪Kim: This isn’t Hook, Oscar. Take a walk.

 

‪Meghan: Hahahahahahaha What am I watching “Lady in the Water”?

 

‪Oscar: She cant even get excited about getting brought back to life

 

‪Meghan: Bella + Jacob = BJ

BJ

‪Oscar: Road Head?

 

‪Kim: I always liked wolves… but I was never team Jacob

 

‪Meghan: I mean a) he’s warm-blooded, b) he says the same melodramatic shit Edward does, c) abs, d) abs, e) abs, f) just as good at staring

 

‪Oscar: He doesn’t fucking sparkle

 

‪Kim: Meghan, you are slowly becoming a child molester at heart. I can see it happening.

 

‪Meghan: I don’t want him for myself. I want him for Bella, and for the record I HATE HER. I’m just trying to be rational, which I understand in this movie is pointless.

 

‪Oscar: I remember this scene from the trailer. It’s the one where nothing happens

 

‪Meghan: When did the vamps and wolves sit down to write this treaty? Flashback please?

 

‪Kim: Kristen Stewart freak-out #10 and then ALICE

 

‪Oscar: I was making the suicides….recreationally, of course

 

‪Kim: No, no, no, Alice, it was fun

suicide is fun

‪Oscar: This movie was written by 15-year-old fans of the books who shouted out the lines to the actors while they shot the scenes

 

‪Kim: “Well I’m not going to hurt her” – worst dubbing ever

 

‪Meghan: Alice, what a hypocrite with an outdated haircut. Rachel Leigh Cook in “She’s All That” called, and she wants her pixie back.

 

‪Oscar: I would totally bone Rachel Leigh Cook, where’d she go?

 

‪Kim: I feel like this movie is similar one of those “This is your brain on drugs!!” commercials. “This is a dumb girl’s brain on love!!”

rachel leigh cook

‪Oscar: Tell her to get out of my dreams and get into my car

 

‪Meghan: Pushing your faces together does not equal kissing

 

‪Oscar: Biggest kiss tease ever

kiss tease

‪Kim: I heard you squeal over there. Don’t lie.

 

‪Oscar: That phone ringing is the sound of millions of teenage girls going dry in their seats

 

‪Kim: Kristen Stewart freak-out #13

 

‪Oscar: They can’t use phones?

 

‪Meghan: Is Alice supposed to be constantly breathless and annoying, or is Ashley Greene a bad actress?

 

‪Oscar: They have to go to Italy! We need some of that hot Dakota Fanning action, amiright?

 

‪Kim: Maybe I was wrong – maybe I’m watching Oscar slowly turn into a pedophile

 

‪Oscar: VIRGIN AIRLINES

 

‪Meghan: oooooo HINT

 

‪Kim: Edward needs to put some clothes on. PJs are so cliché for suicide Eddie

 

‪Meghan: Cool scarf, Alice. Very euro chic

 

‪Kim: She obviously had to get dressed for this spur of the moment trip

 

‪Meghan: CAPES OH THEEERE THEY ARE

 

‪Kim: She looks super hot running though. Mo homo

 

‪Meghan: It’s like a sea of Andre Leon Talleys!

 

‪Oscar: IT’S THE FIRST SCENE

 

‪Kim: Is she taking a super indirect route or is that just me?

 

‪Oscar: It’s NOON! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

‪Kim: PAINTED ABS!

‪Oscar: Don’t burn your sparkling body, Edward! Or sweat off your painted on abs!

 

‪ Meghan: A MILLION FUCKING DIAAAMONDS, Michael!

 

‪Kim: “Heaven” hahahahaha

 

‪Oscar: Is this heaven? Oh no, it’s just you, Bella. Why do they like each other, again?

 

Kim: Suicide is the ultimate gesture of love, that’s why.

 

‪Meghan: Edward could just explain that he was on his way to a shirtless rave as a gay club. No one would question the glitter.

 

‪Kim: Maybe that was his real talk in the woods “Bella. I’m gay. I can’t go on hiding my glitter”

 

‪Oscar: “The Scissor Sisters were playing Rome” – Edward excuses

 

‪Meghan: Robert Pattinson = Cedric = me preoccupied thinking about how much BETTER Harry Potter 4 was

 

‪Oscar: Dakota Fanning, you suck

 

‪Meghan: Oh heeey, Dakota! She looks like she’s also on the verge of constantly laughing

dakota fanning laughing

‪Kim: They put him in a dress… fitting to our Edward excuses…

 

‪Oscar: No, he’s wearing a Hefner robe

 

‪Kim: Kristen Stewart freak-out #17

 kristen stewart freak out

‪Oscar: SLO MO

 

‪Kim: “Just because a cockroach can survive an atomic bomb, doesn’t mean you want it to live. KILL IT”

 

‪Oscar: SLO MO

 

‪Meghan: Slo mo, no homo

 

‪Oscar: Is Zach Snyder directing this movie?

if zach snyder directed new moon

‪Meghan: Ok, so the Volturi are like the vampire royalty + Supreme Court?

 

‪Oscar: Yes and they are the Vatican

 

‪Kim: They collect vampires with super powers. Super Vamps. And obviously most of the Cullens are super vampires. And attractive.

 

‪Oscar: Lesbian vampire biting!!!! We’ll sparkle….together!

 

‪Meghan: I’ll sparkle for yaaaa, I’ll sparkle for yaaa! “Let’s be done with this.” my thoughts exactly.

 

‪Kim: Edward has superhero complex, he thinks he has to “protect” her by leaving. But the bad guys always know who your woman is so you gotta protect your bitch. Why have none of them figured this out?

 

‪Oscar: I’ve literally never smiled or laughed

 

‪Meghan: Kim, there’s a baby right?

 

‪Kim: There’s a baby in the 4th

 

‪Meghan: Oh my god, there are FOUR?

 

Kim: Five. Fifth one comes out this summer.

 

‪Oscar: What’s the moral of this movie?

 

‪Meghan: Ugh, Twilight. “I love you because I love you because you’re you and I love that about you.”

 

‪Oscar: This is the unhappiest movie I’ve ever seen

 

‪Kim: I won’t argue with you. There’s nothing happy about this. BUT back to point A: change Bella into a vampire.

 

‪Meghan: Oh hey, Kellan Lutz, did you even have a line in this movie?

 

‪Kim: “Dating an older woman… hot” So yes, he does

older women hot

‪Oscar: When vampire families are at home, they always stand and face one direction, posing intensely

 

‪Meghan: The blonde one looks like one of those plastic life-sized sex dolls

 

‪Oscar: Peter Faccinnelli has had a weird fucking career

 

‪Kim: They all vote yes so edward doesn’t kill himself. That’s just depressing

 

‪Oscar: STOP MUMBLING, KRISTEN

 

‪Meghan: She should really wait until she’s 25 to do this. What’s the point of being immortal if you’ll be charged up the ass for renting a car for all eternity?

 

‪Oscar: We need to talk, let’s go to the woods

 

‪Meghan: Bites? You wanna talk BITES? This movie bites! heyooo

 

‪Kim: Someone should bite her vagina HEY OH

gross

‪Meghan: Kim, that was gross

 

‪Kim: Mo homo?

 

‪Meghan: “High school memories”

 

‪Oscar: I can’t believe this movie exists

 

‪Meghan: For real. It, like vampires, has no pulse and no soul.

 

‪Oscar: Movies we liked when we were teens weren’t this bad, right? Like, 3 Ninjas wasn’t this bad, right?

3 ninjas

‪Kim: 3 NINJAS WAS AWESOME “Never enter a fight you cannot win” – my life mentality

 

‪Meghan: Marry me, child

marry me child

‪Oscar: Marry me, and then we can have sex? Is that the movie?

 bone time

‪Meghan: Ugggggggggh that was the end

 

‪Oscar: KIM: explain what happened in that movie

 

‪Meghan: My brain wants a refund. I need a debriefing

 

Kim: Bella asked Edward to change her so he left her to save her soul. She got flirty with werewolf Jacob while he was absent. She tried to kill herself and Edward thought she actually died so he tried to kill himself. Since he broke the vampire laws, he has to change her, which breaks the treaty with the werewolves but he won’t do it until they’re married. The end.

 

‪Oscar: Anybody have some meth, or some jager?

 

‪Meghan: What the hell did I just watch?

 

Oscar: That movie gave me a reverse boner

 

‪Kim: JAGERBOMBS for Jacob! I’m starting a new campaign

jagerbombs for jacob

‪Meghan: What were the overarching themes?

 

‪Oscar: Depression, Unhappiness, Poor Weather

 

‪Kim: Love? Lust? Wolves?

 

‪Meghan: Much like my viewings of Robert Pattinson’s face, the first one was much better but still not all that great.

 

‪Oscar: I haven’t felt like this since I watched that snuff film.

 

‪Kim: Yay for New Moon! And next time, a newbie Vampire army!! Get excited!

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