This week’s blog topic was picked by my good friend Tom Poole. Tom knows a whole hell of a lot about me and my exploits or past and present so I knew he’d relish the chance to get me to spill the beans. After making me wait several days for his decision, I have finally been given my subject: The Top 5 Most Awkward Hookups.
After reminding my friend Tom that my family sometimes reads my blog, he told me to just add a disclaimer at the top. So, family, past hookups, people sensitive to too much information, please stop reading here. Just stop. Curiosity is not your friend today.
As a courtesy to Tom and my other readers (you’re out there, right?), I have left out two “hookups” that would have obviously made the list. If you hadn’t heard them, my short night with Las Vegas Larry and his subsequent stalker tendencies would be high up on the list, as well as that one time a guy sucked on my lips so hard they turned blue. But, here’s part 1 of this 2 part series in which I reveal entirely too much information. Tom, you’re welcome.
5. The Jewish Milla
I met this girl via OKCupid and we went on two fantastic dates. The conversation was easy and fun and she was super hot. Hence the nickname – she looked like a jewish version of Milla Jovovich. As a huge fan of the Resident Evil movies, she was basically perfect for me. I felt I had hit the jackpot. She loved Harry Potter and our second date was spent watching DEBS. As we sat next to each other on the couch, I became so nervous. I couldn’t even reach over and hold her hand. But, when the movie ended and I had still not made a move, she asked if she could “see my room.”
I know what that means. We all know what that means. My nerves welled up as I took her back to my bedroom and shut the door. She instantly sits down on the bed and I carefully take a seat next to her. Close, but not too close. At this point we still have never even touched hands.
She lays back, so instinctively, I follow. I tell myself over and over again that I need to make a move. Finally, I give myself a count to three and lunge in.
It was so unfortunate. Teeth were clicking and we were hitting heads and we did not seem to be on the same page… at all. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a lack of chemistry, especially with someone that attractive.
At some point I make a joke about how her hair was in my way and she freaked out. She had recently gotten a haircut and was extremely self-conscious about it. So she tells me “That’s all for today” and just gets up and starts getting dressed. I was just sitting there, dumbfounded and confused and completely awkward.
I then had to drive her home. She lives 20 minutes from my house. It was the worst.
The next day, I was trying to rationalize our bad sexual chemistry. I decided that I must’ve been nervous so I sent her a text apologizing for the night before but telling her I really liked her. She gave a canned “it’s not you, it’s me” response back and that was that. But she’s still really hot.
4. Neighbor Boy
My best friend Seth lived up in Bellingham for quite some time and I always did a poor job at trying to visit. One day, I decided I would stop in for an evening. The drive is only an hour and a half long and I hadn’t seen him for a while.
I arrived slightly late (maybe around 9pm) and therefore, he and his roommates had already been drinking. I met a lot of people that night. I drank a lot. Somehow I ended up flirting with Seth’s neighbor, whose name I still don’t know. I come up with nicknames for a lot of the people that flutter through my life (the cougar, the jackhammer, Voldemortia) but I generally know their real names. Not this guy. He has no name or nickname in my memory.
I just know that we started making out on Seth’s bed and I informed him over and over again that I would not be having sex with him. That’s really the gist. I had to say it over and over and over again. Finally, I told him to go back home since we were in Seth’s room and Seth should be able to sleep. I should also mention that I’d been “out” for a while and I have no idea how drunk me got so “straightsted.” That means straight when wasted.
I woke up in the morning and was getting in the car to go back to Seattle when I felt extreme pain. As the seat belt went across my chest, I let out a yelp. When we finally got back to Seattle, I went to the bathroom to assess the damage. There were full hand print bruises on my breasts, particularly the left one. I was horrified, but I obviously had to take several friends into the bathroom to show them. I would take small groups of three or four and then flash them my beaten breasts. The show was so grotesque, several friends went back multiple times to assess the damage.
Woe is me. Stay tuned for part two, coming tomorrow.