Worst Ways to Wake Up

On April 2, 2013 by Kim Wetter
This is how unhappy I was waking up in these situations

This is how unhappy I was, waking up in these situations

My insomnia is particularly bad as of late, so I decided to just get up out of bed at 3am and finally write another blog post. A friend suggested a topic to me a while back and so here it is: These are the worst ways I’ve ever woken up.

 

I slept through my first day of class senior year. I don’t remember what I had been doing the night before but it wasn’t anything big. I had been getting used to staying up late and sleeping late for the last several days of summer. My trusty black alarm clock and I had been through a lot together. I’d never slept through anything in my life. In order to turn it on, I had to move a switch from off to alarm. That was the first time that it ever got stuck. I woke up at 1pm, well after the start of both of my classes that day. I spent the rest of the day trying to explain to my advisors and professors that I wasn’t a complete mess of a human being. Maybe it was this blunder that made me earn my best GPAs of my college career senior year.

My friend peed in my room. In college, I had three friends from high school visiting for my birthday. Two of them were sleeping on the extra twin bed in my room. A guy friend was crashing in my bed. All four of us had gone out drinking and were all sleeping peacefully when three of us awoke with a startle. My bestie guy friend who was sharing the bed with me stood up and faced the twin bed. We called out to him and asked what he was doing but he didn’t answer. He just started peeing on the bed, right on the feet of my two friends. We screamed and yelled and he just turned back around and got back into my bed and went back to sleep.

This is what I imagined "little Kyle" looked like. Gross.

This is what I imagined “little Kyle” looked like. Gross.

The absolute worst way for a lesbian to wake up is with a penis on your back. That’s right, that’s easily my number one. Freshmen year, my first college visitor was a guy I didn’t know very well by the name of Kyle but he was passing through. He and a friend asked to stay with me in my college dorm. I had never drank before but I went around with them as they found some college parties. His friend picked up a girl and brought her back to my room. They were sleeping on the floor and things were getting a little weird. Kyle was crashing in my bed and tried to make out with me and I told him no. I then just rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up to his penis on the small of my back. I’m serious, he just pulled it out and set it there in the tiny space between my boxers and t-shirt that was exposed. I moved away and said, “Kyle, put little Kyle back in his cage.”

Although I’m slightly sad that I’ll never get to use that phrase again, I am mostly hoping that I won’t end up in a similar situation ever again. The whole thing still baffles me. How does a guy think that a girl he hasn’t even kissed would be interested in touching his penis? That was his grand play? ┬áLike, here it is, wanna play? That is not attractive. No girl is going to find that attractive. Eight years later, I still feel I need a shower.

 

So there you have it. Those are the stories that come to mind when I think of the worst ways I’ve woken up. It’s interesting to note how I never thought it was a big deal to have someone crash in my bed. With the above situations and some recent ones, I may have to retract that belief. I also would like to point out that I know a girl who woke up on a neighbor’s lawn, clutching a handle of vodka, as a dad and his son walked by and the son said, “Daddy, why is that girl sleeping outside.” So my stories aren’t the worst I’ve heard. I did, however, still cover all the categories of irresponsibility, urination and unwanted sexual advances, the grand trifecta of most people’s college years… Booyah!

If you have a topic suggestion, let me know and I’ll consider telling more embarrassing stories for you all.

One Response to “Worst Ways to Wake Up”

  • Tasha Wilson

    As usual Wetter, i have greatly enjoyed your stories. However, I also “know” that same girl and I must correct you. It was actually a group of neighborhood children being walked by a parent to their bus stop and there were a lot of comments from all parties re: the girl “sleeping” in the yard. Also it was a half gallon of Gin and she was sleeping on it. Also, said yard was littered with knives and the empty beers that the knives had opened in order to facilitate ‘shotgunning.”

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