My Uber Christian Ex-Boyfriend

On August 8, 2013 by Kim Wetter

Writing that post about how I’m a competitive asshole reminded me of my uber Christian ex-boyfriend. We dated on and off in the 8th and 9th grade for about a year, making him my longest relationship to date. But, don’t worry, it wasn’t that serious… sexually. In the year that we dated, we made out a total of three times. He was my first french kiss and it was just terrible. This is probably due to the fact that I’m super gay. Luckily for me, his mom didn’t want us to ever be alone together. I used that as a perfect excuse to never, ever be alone enough to have to kiss him.

ew gross

Point of the point, it was the 9th grade and I was supposedly “in love.” While I was at Christian Camp for a week during the summer, my uber Christian ex boyfriend sent me one letter for each day I was there. Letter number 3 was this:

Kimberly Anne Wetter,

Why do I love you Kim? Ill tell you why, here is the entire list of what I love about you… hopefully I wont forget anything important hehe.

  1. I love the way you love me
  2. I love the way you smile
  3. I love the way you understand and listen to me when I talk about things that are important to me (usually hehe)
  4. I love the way you make me feel when I’m around you
  5. I love the way how you always want to be with me
  6. I love the way you forgive me when I screw up
  7. I love the way that you screw around and piss me off, cause then I don’t have to feel bad when I do it back 🙂
  8. I love the way that you love god just as much as I do
  9. I love the way that we have so much in common
  10. I love playing games and sports with you (unless you get mad hehe)

Well there it is, most of the reasons why I love you, cause I’m most sure that I forgot some of them, or even better, cause I wouldn’t be able to fit all of them onto paper cause they on forever 🙂

kristen stewart really

So there it is, in all of it’s glorious 9th grade perfection. First, my middle name is spelled Ann, without an “e.” Secondly, I was just reminded of the letter because number 10 is proof that not a whole lot has changed since the 9th grade. Thirdly, number 8 is proof that a whole lot has changed since 9th grade. Especially because there’s also a letter from this bunch called “Kim the Pure,” and given the many tantalizing topics of this blog, that’s changed quite a bit.

My hair has also changed significantly

My hair has also changed significantly

His life, on the other hand, didn’t really change all that much. He started dating another very Christian girl right after we broke up around the 10th grade and he actually married her and they have a kid. I haven’t really talked to him since high school but I did know that they were waiting to have their first kiss (yeah, like ever) on their wedding day, which was only a couple years ago. For both their sakes, I really hope it was nothing like this:

7 Responses to “My Uber Christian Ex-Boyfriend”

  • Kim, This cracks me up!

  • hannananah

    5. I love the way how you always want to be with me
    Does he know how to write?

  • Uber Christian Ex-Boyfriend

    Since I am the guest star of this post I figured it wouldn’t be inappropriate to make a cameo (I hope you were talking about me or else this is going to be really embarrassing). It isn’t every day that I get hurled back into the oh-so awkward teenage years, but when it does happen the only things I know to do are cringe and try to laugh. So, here are some extra perspectives for those who care (in a numbered list since I am engineer and literally cannot stop myself)…

    1. Kim, you say that those first kisses were terrible because you are gay, but you are wrong… oh so wrong. Those were actually full-fledged, legitimately, undeniably, terrible kisses. No one should have to be put through the experience of a kiss with a clueless teenage boy. I apologize that you were ever subjected to that, and completely understand you taking whatever measures were necessary to avoid them :-).

    2.When I wrote the above love letter I thought that I was quite the romantic. Looking back at it now, it is pretty cringe-worthy. It really is a skill to write a love letter to someone else that is so focused on me. I mean seriously, I refer to myself more than 10 times in a letter that is supposed to be about you. I best not quit my day job to try and become the next Shakespeare.

    3. Misspelling your girlfriend’s middle name on a love letter. EPIC FAIL. On a side note my Mom’s name is Anne with an ‘e’, so it’s a bit more natural to me. (I don’t have an Oedipus complex… that is perfectly fine… nothing wrong at all!)

    4. Lastly, I will set the credits correctly since I have all the “deets” (being me and all). My wife and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary 2 months ago. We didn’t make it to our wedding day before kissing (but we did make it to our engagement), so we did have a bit of practice before the big day and I sincerely hope it was better than that video (crosses fingers). I do have a little 3 year old girl who constantly sanctifies me but is also an amazing joy. I have never had a greater privilege then to put my girl to bed each night and make sure that she hears that her daddy loves her. Also, in the next couple weeks my new son will be born to add to the zoo that is my house :-). So, yes, pretty much sticking to plan over here.

    Anyways, I suppose the moral of the story is don’t take yourself too seriously. You never know when your past is going to end up in a blog post ;-). Here is to hoping the 10 year high school reunion isn’t TOO awkward!

  • someone you kissed once

    Dang Kim what a cutie!

  • LTaylor

    This made me smile the whole bus ride home! Congrats to you both on growing into people who can laugh at how far we have all come.

  • Feeble minded friend

    bahaha who is is the “feeble minded friend” now? muahahah, miss you buddy, stay in touch.

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