Epic Date Failure

On October 24, 2013 by Kim Wetter

So, I’ve told some stories about how I got stood up or how I accidentally scheduled a date with a mute girl without realizing it or how I hit on three girls in two weeks and struck out with all of them and this story is akin to all of those. Let’s get something straight: I’m not very good at dating in the first place. I tend to rely heavily on the feels and forget about much else (you know, like compatibility). I haven’t had a legit relationship in two and a half years and haven’t really tried. I may or may not even be dateable.

liz lemon totally dateable

But, my friends think I’m dateable and they wanted to see me try more. So, six of my friends came over and we had an “okcupid night.” That just means that there were 7 girls, 6 computers, and plenty of bottles of wine. Everyone signed onto my account and went searching for girls I should message. Someone would find a candidate, we’d put her up on the big screen and then I’d decide whether or not I wanted to message her. They even proof read my messages and edited my profile. It sounds terrible but it was actually a really fun girl’s night.

I had gone on a handful of dates with one girl from that okcupid night. I really liked her and things were moving very slowly, which I had never done before. Two Saturday’s ago was our sixth date.

Somehow, I thought it would be a good idea to do bottomless mimosas at 11am that morning. During brunch, I managed to say no a couple of times because “I have a date later.” I said that over and over again but still managed to drink a lot of champagne. After a certain point, I was mimosa drunk enough to stop thinking of the future. I was having fun and champagne was flowing.

hella champagne

After 13 mimosas each, we decided that we were going to go to the zoo. We called an UberX to take us to the 7-11 north of the zoo so that we could get some more champagne. We poured two bottles in two big gulp cups and set off to renew our zoo memberships. Drinking champagne at the zoo is one of my favorite activities and I’ve been a zoo member for 4 years now.

By the time the zoo closed at 4pm, we were all hammered. I cabbed home, showered and then passed out. My alarm went off at 8pm and my hair was still wet but my date was in 30 minutes so I had to rush to get ready and leave.

First, we were supposed to get drinks before the movie and I took the opportunity to eat dinner, as I hadn’t before I arrived. I was eating while she looked on because she responsibly had already had dinner. Our date was at 8:30 after all…

Second, we saw the 10pm showing of Captain Phillips, which is a fairly intense movie. I fell asleep during roughly half of it. I have no idea if she noticed and I didn’t mention it after.

Finally, when we got back to her house, my hangover from my champagne filled afternoon came on super quickly. I felt miserably sick, went into her bathroom and vomited. I was really quiet about it and found some toothpaste to freshen up before I ventured back out. I returned to her room and she seemed to be fast asleep so I have no idea if she noticed this either.

huge mistake

Not surprisingly, she called things off this week. She didn’t cite any of what happened on that fateful Saturday night but her thesis was pretty clear when she was breaking it off: She wasn’t sure we wanted the same things. She told me I was “fun” several times. I can’t deny that. I love having fun and want to make life as fun as possible. I treat nearly everything like a themed party. That’s just me. Despite my major mistakes of date six, I know it’s probably for the best. Although I really do want to settle down in a healthy, stable relationship, I also really need a girl with that same take on life… or at least a healthy appreciation for my antics. Because my fabulous shitshow antics will continue and will proudly keep ending up on this blog. You’re welcome.

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