I decided that I would try a little something different today. Instead of writing a story about my epic dating failures, I figured I’d write a list. So here it is: 10 simple ways you know you’re single.
1. You loathe finding a date to your company’s holiday party
I’m pretty sure holiday parties were created to learn which employees were settled and stable and which are single messes. You’re expected to bring a plus one (Although management secretly hopes the single people go alone to save money) and you have no idea who to bring. Do you bring a friend? A person you’ve only been casually dating? Who do you bring to best convince people your longest relationship isn’t with your pet?
2. You aren’t expected plus ones for normal events
Holiday parties are a little bit of a misnomer when it comes to plus ones. With most other social events, showing up with a “best bud” when that best bud was not invited in the first place is a social faux pas. Whereas only one person in the couple has to be invited and everyone will know his or her significant other will definitely be attending as well. You must ride solo. You must bear the cross of the singulous maximus and arrive alone.
3. You fart openly
Here’s the thing – we all fart. It’s human nature. Social graces about farting go straight out the window when you’re single. Your biggest fear is that you’ll need to learn to stop farting in bed once you’ve found someone to date. But for now, you fart because you can.
4. You don’t have sex
Speaking of bed, you definitely don’t have sex, or at least not meaningful sex. Sure, you can play grab ass with a rando here or there but when you’re truly perpetually single, you go without. And you know exactly how long it’s been since you last had sex. You may even find yourself comparing notes with other single people which is exactly the type of competition you don’t want to win. There’s always the person who has gone longest and you feel for him/her when they finally speak up and then you realize things could be worse. Perspective people!
5. You never have to check in with someone before making a plan
This (along with farting in bed) is a great aspect of being single. You want to book a trip? Book it! There’s no one else’s schedule or finances you need to check with. You are your own entity and can go and do as you please. Getting used to doing as you please may, like farting, become a concern when you actually find someone you want to share your life with. But you can address that later (possibly much later) when it happens.
6. You frantically try to clean up your bedroom / car / life when you have a date
You’ve scheduled a date that you’re really hopeful about and all of a sudden, you realize your life and your belongings are a mess. Some people are smart enough to try to clean things up the day before but others wait until the very last second. Like the girl is about to get into the passenger seat of the car and you frantically start throwing garbage into the back seat, hoping she won’t notice before she steps in. Then, the dating ends and things inevitably clutter up again. That sweatshirt may be on the floor but I know where to find it god dammit!
7. You check your phone and realize you weren’t expecting anything
People incessantly check their phones nowadays but it’s a sad state of singledom when you check your phone and then realize you have no texts or calls to expect. You may be hoping for a friendly hello here or there but you aren’t truly expecting to find anything. Thank heavens for the friend that did send that hilarious gif to brighten your day though, amiright?
8. You’re proud of yourself for not watching that one sappy romantic movie that makes you cry
Be honest: everyone has one. For some, they love The Notebook and think that Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are the ultimate OTP. For others, they relish in the obsessive devotion of Twilight. Or, one of my favorites, Imagine Me & You, a lovely romantic comedy about love at first sight for a pair of hot ladies. Whatever it is, one day, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Wow, it’s been like a year since I’ve watched Imagine Me & You!” Then you suddenly realize you miss it, pop it in the DVD player and then find that you’ve watched it 3 times in the past two months. But it’s not your fault because it makes you believe in love!
9. You get stuck with the single bed whenever possible
Say you’ve rented a cabin with some friends and there are king beds, queen beds and singles. You’re single so you are most definitely getting a single. It’s always fabulous when you rent a cabin months in advance and hope to god you might have someone you’re dating by then so you can snag a room. But the trip comes and inevitably, you’re going camp-style with the rest of the singles (who you know too well so you won’t be the type of singles who mingle ifyaknowwhatimsayin) in the room cramped with bunk beds.
10. You got through waves of “trying to date”
Every once in a while, you spruce up your Okcupid profile, go out to bars purposefully to try to meet someone new, find yourself making out with an African girl in the bathroom of Waid’s because she can’t go outside because her boyfriend is out there – No? No one on that last one? Just me? I digress. The point being there are times where you feel cool, confident and ready to catch some fish and there are other times where you just don’t. Maybe you’re tired of it or maybe you’re content making your own plans and living your own life for now. Either way, the waves ebb and flow as the tide of singleness rushes onward.
Note: Most of this list could have also been named “Simple Reasons I’m Single.”
Another note: I recognize there are plenty of single people who have their lives perfectly put together. You’re not better than us – you’re single too. No shade.
Final note: I do not own these images and I have no idea where I would get that image of those cute children fighting so it’s offensive you’d even ask!