Lesbian Blue Balls

On June 4, 2014 by Kim Wetter

I have a lot of dating mishaps. I think I do a fairly good job of never talking down about the other girl. At least I try. I think it’s really easy to judge another individual. I don’t ever want to do that, I just want to tell the story. This story ends a bit judgmental but I swear it’s not about this particular girl, it’s about lesbians in general. So let’s all keep that in mind.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m on OkCupid. I have been for quite some time and go through phases of trying to use it. I haven’t really messaged anyone since I had an OkCupid and wine night with my friends back in October. I was chatting with some girl who one day just stopped responding. She recently messaged me and made up some excuse about the many months of silence. I told her that it was okay because I had also started dating some girl around the same time we stopped talking (the epic date failure girl). She acknowledged that yes, she had been dating someone but it really didn’t work out. So, I asked her out and we met up for a drink. first-date The third time we hung out, she came to meet me and my friends after a Storm game. There was karaoke at Jabu’s and she killed it. Seriously amazing voice. Later that night, my friends informed me that they approved of her. I’m convinced this could have been entirely because of how good of a singer she was, but no matter, they approved!

I cannot stress how often this doesn’t happen. My friends tend to not approve of anyone I date. To be fair to them, none of them have worked out so they’re not wrong. My whole love life is like a bad episode of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila – drunk and messy.

Anyways, I take this good news as a sign that I should invite her back to my house that night. She stayed over but we only made out and cuddled. The next day I was playing beirut and having trouble making the last cup. A couple of friends started making jokes about my evidently inability to close. Very clever gentlemen. And touche. But in all seriousness, I get going slowly and was fine with it. It was adorable. And I love a good cuddle. For our 4th time hanging out, we did dinner and a movie. I paid for dinner and she paid for our movie tickets. We held hands during the movie and things generally seemed to be going well.

holding-hands After the movie hand holding, I asked if she would want to come back to my place. She agreed but suggested we go pick up some of her clothes for work the next day. I waited outside in the car and she eventually called me and asked if we could just stay at her apartment instead, since we were both already there.

By the time I found parking and returned, she was already in her pajamas. We talked for a while on her couch until she announced she was ready for bed and handed me a pair of pajamas. I put them on and jumped into bed first. She then got in bed as well… but with her back to me.

She never turned around.

That’s right, we didn’t kiss. The entire date. The entire night. Not once. face-palm-kstew I was legit very confused. How did I fuck that one up so badly? Also, why wasn’t I at home in my own bed sleeping comfortably? Maybe I really did lose the ability to close!

For a 4th date, this seemed super regressive. An evening without a single kiss is something a couple of five years should experience, not a newly dating pair. It just struck me as something that would only happen in a lesbian relationship. Only a lesbian would feel comfortable enough saying yes to a sleepover and not offering anything else, not even a kiss. I get going slow but I think a reaction like that just shows a lack of interest. And clearly mixed signals. Don’t say yes to a sleepover with someone you’re very obviously dating if you have no real interest in them. That’s just a recipe for awkwardness and blue balls.

I would say this is an anomaly but a similar (yet very different) situation happened with another lesbian less than a week later. It’s a lesbian’s version of blue balls and I’ve had the lucky fortune of experiencing it twice in one week. Being a lesbian is the best, you guys!

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