Sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, you find yourself post power hour, post Storm game, post Jager bombs at Neighbors Nightclub on a Thursday night. It happens people! Probably not so much to you, but to me, definitely.
Last night, we had the brilliant idea to do a power hour before the Storm game. I mean, why not power hour on a weeknight? The Storm lost in overtime and it was heartbreaking. And what do you do when you’ve lost (or won, really) and need a pick me up? Well, if you’re a lesbian, you go to Jabu’s across the street. And seriously, like so many lesbians I knew were there, including The Cougar. While there, my friend Forge decided it would be a great idea to take a Jager bomb. Almost immediately after I finished the first, she excitedly announced that we should do another! I’m not one to say no to a Jager bomb.
I then got a text from blacked out moves night girl that she was at Neighbors for “the largest drag show ever.” I love drag queens. Who doesn’t? And as Forge seemed down to party, I dragged her with me to check this out.
Now, when you’ve done a power hour and had multiple Jager bombs and are feeling rather intoxicated, your inhibitions are obviously down. Dancing becomes a call from the gods. I got out on the dance floor and tried to physically tear it up.
Instead, I managed to tear my jeans. I dropped it too low.
I obviously wasn’t going to go home. I paid $3 to get in and am arguably pretty cheap. Plus “the largest drag show ever” hadn’t happened yet. Plus, I hadn’t found blacked out moves night girl yet. I had to persevere.
The rip was just below my right butt cheek. Technically my ass wasn’t out and technically it was doable. So, here’s a little list of things I learned last night should you ever find yourself in the same position.
1. Don’t let your pants sag. The further down the leg that rip travels, the more obvious it’ll be.
2. When dancing with a gay man, make sure to get really close to him when dropping it low. Use his legs as a cover.
3. Keep the rip right under the cusp of the butt cheek. If it’s under your ass cheek, it’s basically hidden. If you don’t have a nice round booty, I apologize, there’s nothing I can do for you here.
4. Try working your way to one edge of the dance floor and keep your back to the edge so that no one is behind you. For bonus points, use a wall.
5. When you find the girl (or guy) to flirt with / dance with / make out with, make sure you never turn your back to them. If you have to, remember the rule about dancing with a gay man and make sure your ass is firmly pressed up against them.
6. Finally, do not drink more. You need your wits about you to keep this rip under wraps. More alcohol will guarantee that everyone in the club will see you full buttocks by the end of the night.
There it is folks. I hope that this advice will help someone, somewhere, one day. Until then, keep living life one Jager bomb at a time. Wetter out.