Let’s Talk About Sex

On December 14, 2018 by Kim Wetter

If you are a family member who reads my blog, this post is not for you. Move along.

For the rest of you, let’s talk about sex! Well, I’m going to talk about sex. You get to sit there comfortably not sharing your sex life with the world. This will be a series of posts, so let’s get started at the very beginning.

Most kids receive the dreaded sex talk with their parents at some point. My parents made me watch The Making of Me at Epcot in Walt Disney World. If you have no idea what that is, that’s probably because you had a normal, untarnished childhood. Here’s the description of the movie:

Martin Short narrates the story of “his own” birth to explain the subjects of sex, conception, pregnancy and childbirth in an entertaining and educational way.

This movie was mortifying to watch as a child. But don’t worry, you can watch a janky version of it on YouTube still.

Other than that, my parents didn’t really talk about sex. I learned way more from watching 90210. In fact, my friends and I used to play “house” as the cast of 90210. I would always play Brandon Walsh, which makes sense because I definitely had a crush on Tiffany Amber Thiessen. I guess it’s obvious where my love of prickly brunettes came from.

I mean, COME ON

My parents really just had one simple rule: wait until you are married to have sex. 

Seeing as I’m 32 and not married, you can probably already guess that that rule did not hold. My parents weren’t super religious anymore so it really felt like an arbitrary thing you say to kids so they don’t wind up on 16 and Pregnant. 

Nevertheless, I kept my virginity intact until after college. I know, I know, it’s surprising given… all this. In college, I used to tell a lot of stories about “hooking up” and people always assumed that meant sex. But, nope, no further than trusty third base. I know now that this had nothing to do with my parent’s rule but rather, I was just hella gay and didn’t want to have sex with a man. So I avoided it at all costs! Still do!

During one of these “hook ups,” the guy kept asking if we could have sex. I would say no, then we would keep hooking up, and he would ask again. Finally after one no, he said “Ugh you are just gay.” 

He was right, of course, but it was mortifying at the time. I was livid and decided to throw him out. 

Even though I finally acknowledged during my senior year that I didn’t want to have sex with a man, nothing really changed. My god damn virginity would not give up so easily! Unfortunately for me, my college did not have that many lesbians, and I always had a thing for the straight girls but they never had a thing for me. Nope, it was not going to happen for me, especially when you look at my longest running options:

  • There was a straight girl who enjoyed making out with me at parties. I would literally walk her home to her dorm room most nights and she would thank me and then close the door in my face. But I kept going back, again and again, because she was hot. It was 100% out of my control!
  • Then there was the girl who would cry whenever things got too hot and heavy. She hooked up with one of my guy friends and I could’ve been mad about it but instead I was just elated to hear I wasn’t the only one she cried with. Phew.
  • And of course, there’s the girl who wanted to make sure I was “serious” before we had sex. I was never serious with her so we never had sex. So I’m not a total dick like some people in the comments think I am. I’m such a good person.
  • Oh and of course the other straight girl who I fell really hard for and I totally thought she was on the same page but it turns out she wasn’t and then she tried to get me kicked out of my sorority. That story has already been written so I won’t tell it again because today’s all about sex and how I didn’t have any!

That left me single, and a virgin, all through college. That’s like the 2000s version of waiting until marriage. My mom and dad would be so proud!

Tune in next week to hear about how I lost my virginity to a man. And then tune in a week after that to hear about how I finally lost it to a woman! I finally did it!! YAY!

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