A Breakup Letter to Dating

On April 11, 2019 by Kim Wetter

Dear Dating,

You were awful. All of the apps dedicated to your existence are exhausting. I’ll admit, I was once swept up in the thrill of swiping through profiles and I’ll even further admit that it is still thrilling to get a message about a new match. But that’s how you draw us in, isn’t it? With the promise that those happy swipes will turn into real life human on human feels. Dating, you lie!

Because those happy swipes rarely turn into real feels. In fact, I have ended up feeling like you, Dating, are more like an awful second job I’m forced to have. You never told me that after the swipes, I’d have to start up some small talk with so many random girls. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Of course not! You’re Dating – you feed off the lives that you consume!

Well let me fill you in, you smug asshole. Me trying to date as a lesbian in Seattle goes a lot like this:

Oh, awesome cute girl. I’m gonna swipe right.

OMFGZ!!! It’s a Match!!!

Fuck, I’m on Bumble. That means I have to message her, like now, before I forget. What am I going to say? I have no clue. Okay, let’s read her profile.

She might want kids: not great. I don’t want kids. But she’s soooooo hot. So I’m gonna forget that and move on. What else?

Her interests are hiking and books? Jesus fucking Christ, does every single lesbian in Seattle like hiking and books? What’s my opener going to be? “Hey, I’m Kim Wetter and I will never go on a hike with you and will likely only ever read Harry Potter but I’m sure we will have TONS in common, like how much I want to climb in your pants.”

Ugh, no. I can’t say that. I’ll swipe some more and see what else pops up.

Okay, her, sure, kinda. She’s clearly no girl #1 but I’ll give it a swipe right.

ANOTHER MATCH! Cool, this must mean I’m hot, right?

What does she have on her profile? Nothing? You have to be kidding me! And only one photo! What the fuck do you expect me to work with here? What the fuck are you working with there?

Screw this, I’ll go back to swiping

….. 5 matches later

Ugh another match, I guess *Shrug*

Damnit, I have to message one of them. Or all of them. I just need to send some messages!

I’ll just send something quick to each of them. How’s “HI, you’re cute”? That sounds good. Send it.

Okay, this hiking girl responded. Nice. She wants to know “what I do around Seattle?” What the hell do I do around Seattle? How am I supposed to answer that? Can I just say, “Not hike!”? No? Not as funny as I think it is? Okay scratch that. What else? I have friends. A lot of them. And I spend my time with them eating food and drinking while sometimes watching TV or Sports. But I can’t say that. That sounds bland.

Am I basic?

Nahhh, definitely not. I’m the shit. I’ll respond to that later. Who else responded?

Oh sweet, the one with only one picture responded. Cool, what’s she up to? She wants to chat on snapchat instead? Uh, okay, this could get dirty so I guess I’m down.

Checks Snapchat

A FUCKING NECK TATTOO!?!? You have got to be kidding me!

Does that sound fun to you, Dating? No. No it doesn’t.

That’s why I’ve decided that you and me are officially breaking up. That’s right, I’m done. I’m done with your apps. I’m done with your small talk. I’m done with the tiresome dates with girls who I never want to see ever again. I’m done with the awkward “who’s going to pay for this check” routine. I’m done being ghosted. I’m done doing the ghosting. I’m just done.

Of course, I’ll pick you back up again when I’m ready to take you seriously. But for now, I think I’m going to give my summer to myself and not to you. My time will be much better spent.

You’re the worst.

No Longer Yours,
Kim Wetter

Goodbye, Dating

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