{"id":797,"date":"2012-09-26T14:59:40","date_gmt":"2012-09-26T21:59:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kimwetter.com\/?p=797"},"modified":"2012-09-26T14:59:40","modified_gmt":"2012-09-26T21:59:40","slug":"my-top-5-most-awkward-hookups-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/?p=797","title":{"rendered":"My Top 5 Most Awkward Hookups – Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I’m sexy and I know it<\/p><\/div>\n

This week’s blog topic was picked by my good friend Tom Poole. Tom knows a whole hell of a lot about me and my exploits or past and present so I knew he’d relish the chance to get me to spill the beans. After making me wait several days for his decision, I have finally been given my subject: The Top 5 Most Awkward Hookups.<\/p>\n

After reminding my friend Tom that my family sometimes reads my blog, he told me to just add a disclaimer at the top. So, family, past hookups, people sensitive to too much information, please stop reading here. Just stop. Curiosity is not your friend today.<\/em><\/p>\n

As a\u00a0courtesy\u00a0to Tom and my other readers (you’re out there, right?), I have left out two “hookups” that would have obviously made the list. If you hadn’t heard them, my short night with Las Vegas Larry<\/a> and his subsequent stalker\u00a0tendencies\u00a0would be high up on the list, as well as that one time a guy sucked on my lips so hard they turned blue<\/a>. But, here’s part 1 of this 2 part series in which I reveal entirely too much information. Tom, you’re welcome.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

5. The Jewish Milla<\/strong><\/p>\n

I met this girl via OKCupid and we went on two fantastic dates<\/a>. The conversation was easy and fun and she was super hot. Hence the nickname – she looked like a jewish version of Milla Jovovich. As a huge fan of the Resident Evil<\/em> movies, she was basically perfect for me. I felt I had hit the jackpot. She loved Harry Potter<\/em> and our second date was spent watching DEBS<\/em>. As we sat next to each other on the couch, I became so nervous. I couldn’t even reach over and hold her hand. But, when the movie ended and I had still not made a move, she asked if she could “see my room.”<\/p>\n

I know what that means. We all know what that means. My nerves welled up as I took her back to my bedroom and shut the door. She instantly sits down on the bed and I carefully take a seat next to her. Close, but not too close. At this point we still have never even touched hands.<\/p>\n

She lays back, so instinctively, I follow. I tell myself over and over again that I need to make a move. Finally, I give myself a count to three and lunge in.<\/p>\n

It was so<\/em> unfortunate. Teeth were clicking and we were hitting heads and we did not seem to be on the same page… at all. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a lack of chemistry, especially with someone that attractive.<\/p>\n

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It was as awkward as this photo<\/p><\/div>\n

At some point I make a joke about how her hair was in my way and she freaked out. She had recently gotten a haircut and was extremely self-conscious about it. So she tells me “That’s all for today” and just gets up and starts getting dressed. I was just sitting there, dumbfounded and confused and completely awkward.<\/p>\n

I then had to drive her home. She lives 20 minutes from my house. It was the worst.<\/p>\n

The next day, I was trying to rationalize our bad sexual chemistry. I decided that I must’ve been nervous so I sent her a text apologizing for the night before but telling her I really liked her. She gave a canned “it’s not you, it’s me” response back and that was that. But she’s still really hot.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

4. Neighbor Boy<\/p>\n

My best friend Seth<\/a> lived up in Bellingham for quite some time and I always did a poor job at trying to visit. One day, I decided I would stop in for an evening. The drive is only an hour and a half long and I hadn’t seen him for a while.<\/p>\n

I arrived slightly late (maybe around 9pm) and therefore, he and his roommates had already been drinking. I met a lot of people that night. I drank a lot. Somehow I ended up flirting with Seth’s neighbor, whose name I still don’t know. I come up with nicknames for a lot of the people that flutter through my life (the cougar<\/a>, the jackhammer, Voldemortia<\/a>) but I generally know their real names. Not this guy. He has no name or nickname in my memory.<\/p>\n

I just know that we started making out on Seth’s bed and I informed him over and over again that I would not be having sex with him. That’s really the gist. I had to say it over and over and over again. Finally, I told him to go back home since we were in Seth’s room and Seth should be able to sleep. I should also mention that I’d been “out” for a while and I have no idea how drunk me got so “straightsted.” That means straight when wasted.<\/p>\n

I woke up in the morning and was getting in the car to go back to Seattle when I felt extreme pain. As the seat belt went across my chest, I let out a yelp. When we finally got back to Seattle, I went to the bathroom to assess the damage. There were full hand print bruises on my breasts, particularly the left one. I was horrified, but I obviously had to take several friends into the bathroom to show them. I would take small groups of three or four and then flash them my beaten breasts. The show was so grotesque, several friends went back multiple times to assess the damage.<\/p>\n

Woe is me. Stay tuned for part two, coming tomorrow.\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This week’s blog topic was picked by my good friend Tom Poole. Tom knows a whole hell of a lot about me and my exploits or past and present so I knew he’d relish the chance to get me to spill the beans. After making me wait several days for his decision, I have finally […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":802,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"spay_email":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[11,71,72,260,365,559,573,607],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/kimwetter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/09\/har-funny.jpg?fit=960%2C636&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/797"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=797"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/797\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/802"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=797"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=797"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kimwetter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=797"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}