I haven’t updated in a while so just imagine this as a couple of posts all in one (also known as: it’s really long). As some of you know, I went to Mexico a few weeks ago. I was there for eight days and seven nights and it was perfection. I actually had the sneaking suspicion that I’d died and gone to heaven.

For instance, on my very first night, my host, Lake, wanted to take me to get a margarita on the beach. But this wasn’t just any margarita… The menu had two options: Small and Large. Evidently Lake forgot how large the large ones really were and she ordered one for each of us. When the drink arrived, we noted that it was larger than my head. Mango-flavored, sure, but larger than my head.

I’m really not complaining. It was delicious.

It took roughly three hours to finish the margarita and at a certain point, well after the sun went down, we realized we hadn’t eaten dinner and a lot of the restaurants were closing up. Lake told me not to worry about finishing my drink and I looked at her scandalized. Then she clarified by ordering to-go cups.

That’s right, we were just going to take the massive mango margaritas to-go. Amazing.

As we leave the restaurant, Lake runs into a couple of girls that she knows. They were both gluten intolerant (kind of like me) and had just met a Mexican man who had celiac’s disease.

Now, I don’t speak a lick of spanish and he spoke zero English, but this is what was translated to me:

He has such a strong reaction to Celiac’s that whenever he accidentally ingests gluten, he goes to the hospital for five days. He never eats out and at his house he has his own pan, cutting board and utensils. And yet, there he was sitting next to us, drinking a beer.

I inquired about the Corona he was drinking and he excitedly turns to me and yells, “Gluten free!”

No way.

He explains that Corona is gluten free and then repeated over and over again “Only in Mexico!”

I stood there dumbfounded as he’s yelling “Gluten Free! Only in Mexico! Gluten free!” over and over again. Finally, he just gets up and orders a Corona and brings it over to me.

It was probably not the smartest idea to test this out on my first day in paradise but I drank that Corona (and two more) that night and woke up the next morning feeling perfectly fine. I even ran into the two gluten intolerant girls the next day on the beach and they told me they were also feeling great. One was even holding another Corona when we ran into her.

Heaven. That’s right – heaven is a place where I can drink beer to-go.

But there was one part of Mexico that wasn’t perfect for me. If you haven’t heard, I’m a lady who loves the ladies. On my first day, I was told to keep the whole “lesbian thing” under wraps. Puerto Vallarta, which we were 30 minutes north of, may have become the new vacay-destination for the gays but there’s something about Mexican culture where they might be threatened by a woman who doesn’t need a man.

I was initially disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to flirt with / confuse a hot Mexican girl but I got over it quickly. I had beer to keep me entertained.

But, I did run into a lesbian…

On the car ride from the airport when I arrived, Lake told me her friend Stephanie was in town and warned that she could be very “difficult.” I take this as a challenge, obviously. No one can deny my charms.

So, we meet Stephanie and her friends out one night. I learn that only one or two of the group of white girls has a job. It seems they save up and then just take extended, four month long vacations in Mexico. Or their parents float them. I don’t know, they have money and stay for forever doing nothing, not the point of the story… The point of the story is that when I met Stephanie, I immediately thought she was gay.

Not the type of gay I’d want to hit on but gay, all the same. I instantly got to work trying to break through her icy “difficult” barrier. She did not respond well. She literally turned her large, hulking shoulders away from me at the table as a clear indicator that she was not looking for friends.

I hate how most gay people think that everyone else in the world is gay so I didn’t share my theory on her lesbian status with Lake. I honestly think I can charm anyone so her cold shoulder must have been because she recognized the gay within me and it scared her closeted self. It had to have been…

A couple days later, our friends Tessa and Amy arrived and right when they saw Stephanie on the beach, they pegged her as gay. So I shared my theory and they agreed.

On Stephanie’s last night in town (I guess she had to get back to a “real” job at a sunglasses store), I decided that I would try again to make her drop the frozen shield. I caught her outside smoking and sat down next to her. We were alone so she had to talk to me. I somehow managed the entire conversation by myself but still wouldn’t give up. I should note, at no point was I flirting or what I was doing could have been interpreted as flirting by anyone with a brain. Believe me, I wouldn’t want to get with this girl. As she turned to go back inside, I noticed her wine was almost finished. I offered to buy her another glass as a “hey, it’s your last night in town” drink. She politely declined but I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was going to make her want to be my friend.

I went inside and asked the bartender if he knew what she was drinking and he did. She then sends a messenger inside to inform me that she’d rather have a beer. I get her a Corona and decide to give it a bit of a rest. Turns out, she gave the beer I bought her to some guy. She wouldn’t even take a free drink from me! But, it gets worse…

At the next bar, we found a large table outside. Stephanie was off doing something when everyone sat down. There was only one open seat at the table when she arrived and it happened to be right next to me. She pauses when she sees this, then grabs the chair and moves it as far away from me as possible. Classy.

Lake and I eventually left the bar and stopped at a taco stand. Five minutes into our tacos, Stephanie and her group of friends walks up and sits at the table furthest away from Lake and I, not even acknowledging our presence. This was the final straw for Lake and she was understandably pissed. I tried to just tell her that if Stephanie was nearing 40 and still in the closet, she probably just wants to stay away from anything or anyone gay. I was surprised to learn she’s even from Colorado! They love the gays there!

I do feel a bit bad for the girl but she was also a raging bitch.