I was “cleaning out” my gmail the other day, which really meant I erased every e-mail from Groupon and then got distracted by old e-mails I sent when I had first gotten the account. I’m about to share one with you now that I don’t remember. Not only is that funny because I’m acting like the world is ending and years later, I don’t remember it even happening but also because I don’t recognize myself in it at all. I was a child.

So here it is: a letter from me to one of my best friends from high school at the end of my Freshmen year of college:

Ok, so lillian told me to stop being angry and tell you the truth. I’ve been getting my hopes up about our friendship. I got them up after thanksgiving, I got them up after the christmas break talk we had, and I got them up after your e-mail. Everytime I get my hopes up, I get hurt. I keep expecting or hoping for you to be my friend again, like a real friend, but it never happens. I don’t classify someone who barely speaks to me in an eight month stretch of time a very good friend. That’s what you were and almost always have been. A friend. At one point you were the most important person in my life. It’s hard to change feelings like that. The truth is I care. I always have and probably always will. I keep trying to train myself to not care whether or not you call or write or keep in touch in general, but I can’t. I will keep trying because I can’t keep going through this cycle of hurt. I want to continue to be your friend so badly and I long for what we had. I don’t know if that’s probable. I don’t know if that’s what you want and I don’t know if I could go through another one of these talks without being even more seriously hurt next time. I don’t know what you want. If you don’t have time for me or don’t care anymore, just tell me. Be honest with me. I’m trying to be honest with you. If you want to be a friend like some of the people in my life are, a friend that basically just hangs out with me when I’m home and isn’t really close to me or I to them, just tell me. I will try to accommodate although it will be difficult for me. But if it’s that way, you shouldn’t write me e-mails asking me all about my life. I read that and thought of one thing: the conversation we had over break. We talked about you not knowing the present me and you said things would change. So, when I read it, that’s what I thought you were doing, following through on your word. I got my hopes up. I wrote you a really long e-mail and asked you about your life because I genuinely want to know and be close to you again if that’s possible. But then you didn’t respond. So, I took a chance and called you that one day. I thought maybe you’d mention something about being busy and not responding and appologize and say you’d do it soon. Then when the phone died and I got that message, I just got really really hurt. You obviously knew my long e-mail was in your account, but hadn’t responded or even mentioned it. And I felt like you telling me to call you was just a lack of effort on your part. I could be wrong, but I thought that if you wanted to talk, you would call, not ask me to call. It probably was just a reaction to the e-mail thing. I don’t really know what i’m saying anymore and I don’t really know how lillian convinced me to say all this again, but I am and all I ask for is an answer.

Love,
Kim

First, I’d like to point out that I write in paragraphs now and I’m very proud of that particular fact.

Secondly, I actually used the words “cycle of hurt.” In all seriousness, I said that.

Thirdly, how many ways can I ask whether or not he still loves me? There’s a lot of anger and hurt there but under it all, it seems very clear to me now that I was a little over a month away from returning home and was wondering what I would find when I got there.

If you’re curious, the recipient of this letter and I are still friends. I think what you don’t realize when you’re this young is how quickly things can change. People move away and life doesn’t stay stagnant in one iteration for long. The bonds you create are less likely to change if they are built strong.

I now consider my friends to be an extension of my family. Each of them important and each of them loved fiercely. I no longer question if they love me back. I know they will be there for me if I ask. They are all over the country and I don’t see or talk to them all that often but I would never question our friendship.

The true friends, the real connections don’t fade. This recipient and I only see each other every 3-4 months now that we live in the same city but every time I see him, it’s like nothing has changed. We can just pick back up where we left off. There’s a comfort in never questioning that bond. He is part of my family.

That’s a valuable lesson I wish I had learned earlier. Not only would it have saved me the effort of writing crazy girl letters like this but it would have saved me from some unnecessary worrying and a cycle of hurt (not that I remember it).