Since I’m returning to Vegas this Friday night, I figured it was only fitting to tell the tale of the first time I went to Las Vegas. It just so happens, the Larry in question texted me today so this is so timely.

The first time I went to Vegas was in October of 2007. I went with 4 of my best friends. We were there for two nights only but we really made the best of it. The first night was standard. I went out with my friend Grace after the rest of the girls went to sleep. “After Hours” clubs in Vegas are expensive and always have stripper poles. Grace and I walked back into the hotel at 6am and two black guys, who were walking out of the casino, stopped us and asked if they could buy us a drink. Normally, I wouldn’t specify ethnicity but, in this story, it’s important.

Divide and conquer was their strategy. One took Grace to a small table at the bar (keep in mind, it is still 6am) and talked to her about how she can be a back up dancer in his rap video. The other, Kevin, sat at a table with me. After very little conversation, Kevin decides to start telling me how hot I am. We had a conversation that went like this:

Kevin: Girl, how much you weight?

Me: 155

Kevin: Niiiiiice.

He then told me that I was “the most beautifulest white woman” he had ever seen. He calls his friend over to back up his story: he doesn’t like white women at all. Never has. But me, I am something different. So I give him my phone number, thank him for the drinks, decline their offer to go back to their condo with them, and we go up to sleep.

He called the next day and I didn’t answer. The voicemail he left was saved on my phone for years. It went something like this:

“Hey there sleepyhead. This is Kevin. From Miami”

He asked me to hang out that day, but of course, I never called back.

The second day, we wandered around the casino and a man sitting at the slot machines stopped us. Grace and our friend Danielle kept walking, assuming he was going to hit on us or something. I stopped and said hello and he asked how many of us there were. I told him there were the three of us here and two more upstairs. He then took out an envelope and told me he had 6 tickets to Cirque du Soleil and couldn’t go tonight.

It’s at this point that Grace and Danielle turn around and pay attention. They asked how much he wanted for the tickets and he just told us to take them. We were fifth row, center. It was awesome.

After the show, we decided to go to the club in our hotel because it was free cover for girls. It was just me and Laura left and I get a text telling me that Grace broke a glass in our room and cut her foot and they needed Laura and I to go get her a bandaid from the front desk. We go to leave and this guy walks up to me and shows me his phone. On it, he had written “Excuse me miss, would you like to dance?” I show it to Laura and she tells me to go ahead.

See, at this point in my life, I still assumed I liked men. I don’t. I am very gay.

So I danced with the guy but felt bad that Laura was standing off by herself. He tells me he’ll fix that, walks up to Laura and says “Do you like black men?” to which Laura gave him a confused answer and he grabbed his friend and made him dance with Laura.

He told me his name is Larry. We made out on the dance floor and then I told him I had to go take care of Grace. He didn’t believe me (that would have been a very elaborate excuse) and so I showed him the text, gave him my number and left.

We fixed Grace up and then decided we wanted to go to a strip club. We’re walking through the casino on our way out when a guy approaches us and asks where we’re going. We tell him and he tells us he’ll take us there. Turns out, Mike was the Governor of Nevada’s son. He hails an SUV and we head out to Spearmint Rhinos.

When we arrive, Mike tells us he can’t go through the metal detector, whispers something to the bouncer and walks around it and in. Confused but weirdly not frightened at this point, we follow. Larry texts me and tells me he’s going to meet me there.

He arrives and we chat in the corner. He asks me if I’ll be his “Washington girlfriend” and I tell him no. That’s stupid. A stripper comes over and tells us that we’re so cute together and asks if we’re dating. I say no and almost at the exact same time, Larry says yes. Awkward. At the time, I felt it was a challenge. Here’s this guy who lives in Vegas and is obviously very good at flirting with and picking up women. I felt I was testing my own flirtation skills to see if I could outdo him. I might’ve been intoxicated as this plan makes no sense in retrospect.

And let’s remember, I’m gay. So I tell him that I would really like to watch the strippers for a while so he should make friends with everyone else. He turns to Laura and says, “Ever seen Saw 4?” Great. He turns back to me almost right away because although he was very good at flirtation, it seems normal human interactions are beyond him. I barely got to watch the strippers.

Grace comforted a crying stripper in the bathroom who had just been fired. I’m pretty sure she tried to give her a life pep talk and tell her she’s better than this. I hope that worked.

Mike, the governor of Nevada’s son, couldn’t get us a ride back to our hotel, so all 5 of us, plus mike, pile into Larry’s car. 7 people in a tiny car was cramped but we made it back to our hotel safely. I decide I was going to take Larry up to the room and make out with him some more. He tried to push things but I absolutely refused. With his ridiculous flirtation skills, I knew he only wanted to sleep with me so that was the last thing in the world I was going to do.

So he turns to me and says, “I want to tell you something but I think it’ll scare you.” I tell him go ahead and he says, “I know we just met but I’m in love with you. It would make me the happiest man in the world if you felt the same.” I should have been creeped out at this point but I just thought he was still trying to convince me to sleep with him so I ignore it and tell him he needs to go home because the girls needed to come back in the room.

I walk him to the elevator and he stops me again. He tells me that he knows it’s crazy but he really loves me and really wants to try long distance. He wants us to be in a relationship for real. I tell him sure but I’m still not going home with him because at this point, what does it matter? He’s not going to get in my pants so he doesn’t mean all those things. He wouldn’t leave though until I told him I loved him back. So I did so he would go and I thought nothing of it.

I was so wrong.

He called me the next evening when I had returned safely home. Then he called me the next day. And then a couple days after that. The third phone call, I just told him I was too busy to talk because of school. He called the next week and I ignored the call. By Thanksgiving, I received this MySpace message:

“So I’ve been trying to keep in touch a few times with you, but either you’re really busy or for whatever reason, you don’t want to talk to me, at least on the phone. I hope you’re not discouraged that I have strong feelings for you. I’m sorry if that is the case, but believe me, my intentions and feelings are sincere and I will do my best to ease off then because I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Anyway, I hope all is well and I finally e-mailed the pictures we took in Vegas to you, sorry for the delay I hardly get time on the computer nowadays. You can post them on your MySpace page if you want. Well, hit me back when you can and let me know what’s been up with you.

– Larry

I seriously had to write back and “break up” with him. What. the. hell. It is now 5 years later. He texted me today. He will probably send me some Valentine’s Day greeting on Tuesday – he does every year. One year it said “Another time, another place, we really could have been something special. I love you.” I have not talked to him since October of 2007 unless I accidentally pick up, which I have a couple of times because I didn’t look at the phone before I flipped it open (pre-iPhone). Last Valentine’s day, he posted a message on 50 or more different girl’s Facebook walls, mine included. He clearly flirts with a lot of girls. I wonder if he does this to all of them.

Maybe this year, I’ll text back “Unsubscribe.”

 

(I’ll give a shout out to Meghan on this one, who at one point told me: “why are you posting this shit freely on the internet? it doesnt take much to turn ‘madly in love’ into ‘madly flying up north and confronting your imaginary girlfriend with a 20 page letter written in your own blood'”)