Aka: How to turn everything into a themed party.

This year, once again I am the co-captain of an AIDS Walk team with my friend Braxton (who writes a fabulous sports blog about sports). AIDS has caused over 30 million deaths and over 34 million people have contracted HIV. The problem is widespread and it’s scary. We walk every year in hope for a cure. The AIDS Walk raises money for HIV/AIDS services in our community. The $5,000 we raised last year may not seem like much, but collectively, the 2011 AIDS walk resulted in 3,050 medical premiums paid, 38,049 grocery bags filled with nutritious and tasty food, 157,675 meals prepared, 112,000 condoms distributed, 24 tons of food collected through our Care to Shop food drive, and 1,000 client sessions. Each of us contributed a little, to make a big difference.

This year, team Teamocil is back. We hope to collect even more than last year and we hope to have even more walkers as a part of our team. To join us or donate, follow this link. The walk is on September 22nd and you can join or donate up until that time. For your time, energy, or money, here’s an amusing story surrounding last year’s AIDS walk and the shitshow I call my life:

Friday night was supposed to be an easy night. The AIDS walk starts early on Saturday and we all wanted to be at our best. It was my friend, Anthony’s birthday party at the Garage and I figured we would stop by. Obviously this meant I should take some shots. Several. This would have been fine and I probably still would have gone home early, except that the Cougar showed up.

You remember my Cougar. She’s extremely attractive but over 40. I haven’t told this whole story on my blog yet, but I will, in time.

She was there and I instantly set to flirting with her. So instead of going home, I went off with the Cougar to some gay bars. I remember I had decided to sleep at Eric‘s place that night because it was where we were prefunking the AIDS walk the next day. I left the Cougar, wasted, and stumbled back to Eric‘s. I walked in, tried to turn on the light, but instead, turned up the heater all the way. Eric, asleep, was unaware that I had done this. He tells me he woke up an hour later burning up, cursing my name.

He could have yelled at me, except that I wasn’t there. After turning on his heater, I realized I had checked my coat at Neighbours and had forgotten it. I had to turn back around to stumble back and get it.

After having trouble finding my coat check ticket, a common problem, I finally grab my coat and find some rando outside to give me a cigarette. That had been entirely too much of an ordeal for drunk me and I needed to calm down with some smoke in my lungs.

Then, out walks the Cougar. She had not gone home. She starts talking to me and somehow (read: probably very easily) convinced me to go back to her place to “drink more.”

We went back and drunk Kim obviously thought we were going to hook up. While sitting on her couch, she gave me a hand massage and I remember thinking how old her hands looked. The rest of her is deceivingly young. But not her hands.

That combined with the fact that she also didn’t want to hook up with me, meant I just slept there. I awoke the next day to my alarm, early, needing to find myself back to Eric’s. She offered to drive me but I informed her there was the huge problem! I normally always wore short shorts to the AIDS walk. I had done it the year before so I considered it a tradition. So, she fished out a pair of incredibly short black shorts, which I put on with glee.

I showed up at Eric’s to raised eyebrows and skeptics. Oh, and Eric yelling at me for my drunken stumble into the heater controls the night before.

But, we went about drinking our mimosas and bloody marys and treating the AIDS walk as a celebration of our team’s success. Seriously though, I was in a sorority that did charity projects every year and I don’t think they ever raised as much as we did. Teamocil was most definitely the coolest thing I’d ever been a part of.

We filled water bottles with mimosas and I put on freedom and we set about on the walk. Halfway through, there’s a liquor store, where we stop in to buy new champagne to refill.

Someone gave me a half of Vicodin and by the end of the walk, I was three sheets to the wind. It was around noon. While some people wanted to go back to sleep, I decided to go with the crew going to the beach, as it was a glorious day. The walk was something of a mess. My friend Brittany tells me I was in a “special state.”

I napped on the couch for a while, ate some food, then went to the beach and back to drinking… with no bathing suit. So, I swam in the Cougar’s short shorts and my white Teamocil t-shirt. Probably not my smartest idea. After we got back to the house, Brittany dressed me in a skirt because I had to have dry clothes and she figured it would be the only chance she ever had to put me in a skirt, since I was that drunk.

It was Anna‘s birthday party later and we all had to pick up BBQ items and head over to her house. I was still wasted. But I ate my food, helped clean the kitchen, am told I gave Anna a more than friendly “birthday kiss,” and then finally realized I had left my wallet at Brittany’s and couldn’t go out to bars with them. This would have been an epic birthday fail, except that Anna was already passed out so technically I was still winning for the day.

My friend Sarah was kind enough to walk me back to my house. She had no idea but at the time, I was texting my “friend with benefits” who promptly showed up right after Sarah and I got back. Poor FwB, she had no idea that I had started drinking at 8am and was a total mess but I’m sure it was something she had gotten used to over time. She liked me for me which should never been undervalued. I’m happy to say that she is still a friend friend this day despite the antics of that day / night.

So there you have it: my epic tale of the AIDS Walk 2011. I should also make special note that my aunt was on Teamocil last year and saw me three sheets to the wind by noon. She still loves me too.

Join us all this year for the amusement of watching me “celebrate” or just because it’s a great cause and you’re a good person. Whatever your reasons, join Teamocil (or donate to my page if you can’t join)!