I’ve crushed hard and often in my life. And unfortunately, probably too many have been straight girls. But there was one who lasted longer than all the rest.

My good friend Forge introduced me to her in 2009. They were childhood friends. I fell for this girl almost instantly and told everyone I knew. We were young, so my friends used my crush to trick me into drinking more, as they do. One random night I had stopped drinking, so they sent her down to the garage (I was still playing Beirut, obviously) with two shot glasses. She gave me a shot of vodka and she took a shot water. My friends knew I couldn’t say no to taking a shot with my biggest crush.

And that was just the beginning because I crushed on her for years! We would spend more and more time together and our friendship grew to the point where we stayed up all night talking. I was such a smitten kitten, I even obsessed over the way she smelled.

On one of those nights we stayed up really late talking, she made some offhanded comment that she would never miss a best friend’s birthday. By the end of that night, she ended up telling me that I was one of her best friends.

My birthday came and went and the straight girl was nowhere to be seen. These were obviously misplaced emotions, but I was livid. I had a bit of a meltdown and might’ve even used the phrase “bad friend.” Our friendship ended very quickly after that. She said that I had challenged her integrity and she would never forgive me. With a lot more words and a lot more fighting but that was the gist. That was the end of it.

Months after, I finally sent her a message to let her know I wasn’t actually upset about the “birthday” thing. I poured my heart out and told her that this was probably all coming from my massive crush, all the while not acting like I had a crush on her during the meltdown. It includes the paragraph:

Then you said something that broke my heart and gave me a sense of gratification, all at the same time. You told me that if you were to ever go gay, it would be with me. On the one hand, that just broke my heart because it meant that my long time crush was just a crush. It would never be more. But I loved you so much as a friend at that point, that even if I treated you special, that crush was a part of the past. So conversely, I felt a certain sense of gratification. The whole conversation, and that admission in particular, was like you acknowledging that you and I were special. It wasn’t just me this whole time. You were straight and I am gay but we can still be the best of friends because we are a perfect fit.

And it gets worse…

And my anger and insecurities ruined that. I kicked you while you were down and in the worst time of your life. After our last couple conversations, I don’t think you will ever forgive me. The trust and comfort you felt in me is gone, according to you. So I risked nothing by sending this message. I am merely telling the whole truth.

People make mistakes and people you care about will always let you down. But I think something should be said for the people who want to remain in your life, forever and always through thick and thin.

So I’m asking you to try to forgive me. I’m asking to rebuild. I’m asking because I don’t think it will be that hard because we are special. And if you can rest assured in one thing, it’s that I will always love you. Always. I will do my best to be there for you whenever you need.

I suppose if you miss me and our friendship, this should be an easy decision. If you don’t, I understand. I can’t turn back time, even if I wish I could.

Love, Kim

So that happened. I clearly chickened out of saying that I was in love with her. I never even thought that to myself back then but I might’ve been. Maybe that’s why I probably never thought of it as a love letter. The only thing I really knew at the time was that I’d already lost her entirely and I didn’t want to sound like such a crazy person for going all “BUT, MY BIRTHDAY!” on her. I’d way rather have a girl just know I had a crush on her!

Luckily, I haven’t had a really serious crush on a straight girl since. As per usual, I like to learn my lessons the hard way!