Only a couple months separated the first time I had sex with a man and the first time I had sex with a woman. Pandora’s box was open, and I was ready to explore the world, vagina forward!

Unfortunately, what follows is not a story I’m proud of. It’s legitimately one of the worst things I’ve ever done. But this blog, in all its glory, is not about making me look good. I am human and have faltered just like you. However, it’s been long enough, and I might make some jokes.

My friend, let’s call him Earl, threw a party at his house. While there, I met the girl he’d been casually dating for a couple months, we’ll call her Tina. Earl, god bless him, got so drunk at the beginning of the party, he passed out not even half way through the evening. Luckily, his roommates were still up, and the party raged on.

I found myself on the porch with a couple of people and Tina and the conversation turned to sex. Naturally. I was telling the group that I had never had an orgasm before. Not by myself and certainly not during the one time I lost my virginity in that alleyway. Never.

Tina then starts telling me all about how she also doesn’t orgasm from sex and it led to her saying, “I don’t think sex with a man is what I want.” At this, my ears perked up. Sure, she was seeing Earl, but it sounded like she was coming out.

Our conversation continued throughout the night and as more and more people left, we got closer and closer to one another. By the time we had to leave, we were all over each other. Another friend dutifully helped both of us into a cab so that we wouldn’t hook up in Earl’s house.

We went to my bedroom and BOOM Karma gave me a swift kick in the face. I couldn’t be stealing my friend’s girl without some sort of immediate consequence, right? Well, Karma’s a hilarious bitch because that vagina, the first vagina I ever dove into, was one of the worst smelling/tasting things I have ever encountered. Imagine a pair of dirty socks that have been soaking in a glass of sake for a week and you’ll start to understand what I encountered that night.

But I would not be deterred!

Although I had never been that close to a vagina before, I had done my prerequisite studying. I had seen all of The L Word and had gotten the rundown of what to do from a couple of lesbian friends. I worked my “ABCs” and successfully gave her several orgasms. What can I say? I’m a natural.

In the morning, you’d think the clear light of day would have me feeling guilty, but it didn’t. I had just gotten a taste (ew) of what sex with a woman was like and I was not going to quit any time soon. But, being I was sober now, and the smell was much harder to get through. I asked her to take a shower with me and had sex with her one last time in there.

Then, it was back to drop her off at Earl’s house where she’d left her car.

Earl came over later that day to yell at me and threaten to punch me. He never did, although I definitely deserved it. He kept saying, “If you were one of my guy friends, I’d punch you in the face and this would be over.” She had told him that it was my idea (probably) and that she was sorry and wanted to be with him (I mean, that’s not what she had said the night before). I was the bad guy in this situation and Tina was absolved of blame. Later he even asked Tina to be his girlfriend.

A couple months later, Earl brought Tina to a party I was hosting. I was very into this other girl, but Tina had still been the only girl I’d slept with. I made the mistake of asking her if I was any good at sex, and she proceeded to follow me around the party for the rest of the night. She even cornered me in the bathroom at one point and I had to shake free. Earl saw it, blamed me, and almost punched me again. He even came over again the next day to bitch me out. My roommates had to stick up for me and tell him that his girlfriend was getting fresh with several people, not just me.

No matter though, they continued to date for several years. I was just a speed bump along the way.

There you have it – I stayed a virgin for years and years and when I finally decided I was over it, I jumped right in. There was always a fear when it came to sex – a fear of disappointing my parents, of god, of being gay, of what comes next. Now, sex is just a part of life, like any other. Sometimes I’m good at it, sometimes I’m bad at it, sometimes I have it, and more often than not, I don’t. It’s an important part of my life now, even if the people I lost my virginity to aren’t.

Here’s to a bright future full of better vagina smells!