Love Letter Fail

On October 4, 2018 by Kim

I presume some of you come here only to witness my epic fails in dating. Therefore, I’ve decided to T up a juicy one for you today. And, I’ll warn you from the beginning, it’s a long winded one because I am always long winded when it comes to love.

The Story

About 4+ years ago, I met a girl on Tinder. It was one of those rare occasions that she was way hotter in real life than she was in her photos. I dare say I was even nervous on our first date because of it. But, luckily, I was still charming enough to get a second date, and a third, and a forth, and so on. At a certain point, I really thought this was it.

I met her friends at a dinner party and charmed them. Then after, her and I went to a drag show where she revealed they told her that she could “keep me” because I was so great. Within a week, she invited me to a big party her friends were throwing. I was designated driver. She got really drunk. So drunk, in fact, she was grabbing my hands and putting them down her shirt during the party. This was uncomfortable at best.

Anyways, I showed up the next day to check in on her and her hangover and something had changed. It was one of those moments where I could feel that the ground was shifting beneath my feet and I was powerless to stop it. I started to hear from her less and less. We finally had a conversation over text where she said she liked dating me but she also just liked dating in general so she didn’t want things to be serious.

I then did what I always do, I wrote it all out. I wrote out every little bit of feelings I had, I put it in a ridiculously too long letter, put that letter in a package full of some of her things, and then left it on her doorstep. I knew we were over but I couldn’t help but lay it all on the table before walking away.

The Letter

Below is the letter, uncut and unedited. You’re welcome.

In this package, there are three items. I figured I’d take the time to write a bit about each and probably share entirely too much information in the process, as is my way.

The first is the book you lent me. I was able to finish Mountains Beyond Mountains while in Mexico, and although I gave you shit for causing me to become hyperaware of my white privilege, I quite liked it. Although I have many thoughts, for the purpose of this letter, I’ll share one major one: I found myself envious of Paul Farmer’s strong sense of purpose (which I think you share). Not only does he have strong convictions, but he also has a passion for his work that turned into his life’s purpose very early on.

It’s hard not to think of your life’s purpose in a career sense. My dream has always been to work in television. I’ve always loved telling stories, helping people escape the real world and entertaining. A girl I dated over three years ago recently told me how disappointed she felt that I hadn’t become the woman she thought I would be (read: successful in Hollywood). I thought carefully about the assessment and figured that I was living a different sort of dream. My 9-5 job (or in my cushy case 10-6) doesn’t define me in the slightest. Instead, it’s my passion for life and the people in it that brings me joy each day. I have extremely strong convictions about life and love and I live accordingly.

The code I live my life by leads me to the next item in your package: The Fault in our Stars. Although on the outside it looks like just a book about kids with cancer, on the inside it’s a more thoughtful exploration of what it means for us to be on this earth. I think I told you before that I’m not much of a crier but this book made me cry… a lot. There’s something really beautiful about the small story it tells that translates to a much larger story of our existence. You told me to read Mountains Beyond Mountains to better understand you and similarly, I think this book will help you better understand me.

Lastly, I bought you a replacement Trojan fight song bottle opener. I actually bought it right after our second date. I haven’t given it to you because I knew that buying it after the second date would probably freak you out. I was waiting for us to have some sort of “where is this going” conversation in order to actually give it to you. Since that conversation didn’t go well and it appears something already has freaked you out, I figure there is no harm in giving it to you now.

After that conversation (which obviously didn’t go as I hoped), I found myself thinking that I was in the exact situation I didn’t want to be in. I’m good at casually dating and have done it consistently for three years. I would find a girl I’d never actually want to make my girlfriend and date with no labels for extended periods of time. The thing with me is that, despite no labels, I still only date one girl at a time and invest a lot of myself in the non-relationship. So, last summer after one of these non-relationships ended, I told myself I was done with them. Dating a girl I didn’t want to make my girlfriend for any period of time means I stop looking for someone who actually could be my girlfriend. And I also knew staying in a non-relationship with someone I would consider to be my girlfriend but hoping her feelings would change down the line was not a good idea for me. I invest way too much of myself to take that risk.

While at dinner with my family for my birthday the day after you and I had this conversation, I told them what had happened. I rarely tell my family anything this personal about my life but, it was on my mind, so I just blurted it out at dinner. My dad, who is very quiet and not very expressive, thought for a second and then said, “Well you just have to decide if she’s worth fighting for.”

That hit me pretty hard because my first thought was, “Yes, of course.”

Here I was thinking I had it all figured out (a common occurrence in life with me) and one short, thoughtful question had me second guessing exactly what I wanted, or needed, to do. And I found it extremely ironic that I was holding onto this fight song bottle opener for you until after this very conversation came up.

It’d be dumb of me to answer no to my dad’s question. I’ve only known you for a short time but I can see that you are a passionate, intelligent, driven, beautiful, and talented woman. After our first date, I joked that I’d finally met someone out of my league. Seeing you be so sweet with Zephyr and Atlas, hearing you play the violin so brilliantly and then watching you pee on the sidewalk pretty much convinced me that you were the coolest girl I’d ever met, let alone dated. Yes, that’s right, it might not be often you hear that someone is impressed by sidewalk peeing, but I was. Not only are you extremely driven but you also are fun and free-spirited enough to drop down and pee where you please.

But more than all that, I think you deserve to be happy. When you told me that you felt as if you’d be letting me down a lot lately, I got the impression that this, whether it be dating or dating me, was stressing you out. I don’t want to cause any excess stress in your life and that was not my intention. I think there was a mighty big misunderstanding about what you thought I expected from you and what I actually expected. I’m not sure if that was an actual miscommunication or if this is just what you’ve been used to in the past. Either way, I apologize for any stress I did cause.

What I did (and do) want is to spend time with you. I have no timeline in mind and have no plans for any sort of labels anytime soon (I’m more of a 3-4 months of dating before relationship talks sort of gal, as I take the title very seriously). I just genuinely think you’re special and would like to see where this goes. If that’s not what you want, I will leave you be. You cannot fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for, no matter how many fight songs you sing.


The Aftermath

So that was that. I got a text message a bit later telling me the letter was “sweet” but that she had a lot going on in her life at the moment. She let me down as easily as she could.

In retrospect, the letter is embarrassing. It spans two pages, single spaced. But I can’t help the way I am and I am an overly honest person with a tendency to say too much and never know when to give up. So I’m just going to own that from here on out.

Kim Wetter: Embarrassing, yes, sometimes. Badass, always.

Trackbacks & Pings

  • Kim Wetter » Lessons from my Mother says:

    […] their consequences but attempt to live true to myself and my emotions. If I feel like giving a 2 page love-letter-lite to a girl who I know doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, that’s okay. I already knew the […]

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