Kim Wetter

The Douchebag Jar

We started a douchebag jar. Yes, we got the idea from New Girl. I’ll be honest and say it’s mainly for me but really, it is for anyone who acts like a total douche in our presence. It’s a way to help check yourself before you wreck yourself (*note: this is a douchebag worthy dollar comment). Our house hopes to create a pleasant atmosphere of fun.

The concept is simple: say or act like a douche, put a dollar in the jar.

What are some examples of this?

I’m glad you asked!

• I can be a cocky sonofabitch. Any comments where I announce proudly and unwarranted that I am the shit, deserves a dollar.
• Derogatory, over-sexualized comments about women count.
• This.
• Pelvic thrusting the air is truly never acceptable. Neither is saying “suck it.”
• Bro secret handshakes: if it looks douchey, sounds douchey, then it probably is douchey. Mine, for instance, alludes to scissoring.
• Over exaggerated shit talking while playing Beirut is an extremely common occurrence.
• I do something like, say, make three balls in a row on my first turn in a game of pool and I say something to the extent of, “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want to play too?” Before my fourth shot (which I will, inevitably miss).
• Offering a friend a ride home and then halfway through the journey asking them to get out of the vehicle and walk themselves the rest of the way all because you have to pee… Douchey. It wasn’t me, but it truly was a douchebag move.
• Making this your Facebook timeline photo. (Yes, that is my current one)
• Peer pressuring. Specifically when someone tells you that they are sick or tired and can’t go out and you scream “YOLO” in their face until they agree to drink with you. Then you promptly get drunk and ignore him or her all night.
• Any and all of my Jäger gear, which includes, but is not limited to: flip flops, five t-shirts, a trucker’s cap, several bandanas, a Jäger camping cooler, a Jäger bucket, several lanyards, and a black button up. In fact, I used a lot of this gear to dress as a douchebag for the costume contest at work last Halloween. In fact, I was one of the last two finalists for “funniest costume” and I turned to the other girl and said, “Thanks baby, that’s enough. Now bring the car around,” as I handed her my Jäger lanyard for my keys. See the costume below.

 

These are just a few examples. The most recent dollar I put in was for this simple exchange while playing Halo:

Emily: “What’s an over shield?”

Me: “It’s a shield that goes over your shield.”

*Other Emily smacks me in the back of the head.*

 

The jar is currently up to $34 and we have only had it for a month. When it reaches $100 or so, we are going to buy a douchebag sponsored keg. The keg party will obviously be douchebag themed where everyone can dress up super douchey and act as douchey they want for one night only. Then we’ll start the process all over again.

The actual keg buying celebration will be particularly sad for me because I’m definitely one of the top two contributors and I cannot drink beer. The other douchebags will be able to drink and be merry but not this kid.

This is my punishment.