The Story of the Mystery Underwear

On November 27, 2012 by Kim

No one would lose these bad boys

Someone is going to kill me for writing this down but it’s time for a funny story, don’t you think?

I was dating this girl a while back. We weren’t exclusive and we were both perfectly comfortable being commitment-phobes. But, as when you spend a large amount of time with anyone, feelings get involved. Inevitably, jealousy is going to happen because, lezbehonest, I don’t like to share.

One morning when we were dating, she left my house without a pair of her underwear. She couldn’t find them and just left, figuring I’d find and return them eventually.

I always assumed she was seeing other people and I knew I could too if the situation presented itself. I think she always knew I wasn’t seeing anyone else because I’m not very good at keeping secrets. I would have never been able to juggle multiple women. But, it got to the point where I couldn’t deal with the prospect of her seeing other people, and yet I didn’t want her to be my girlfriend, so it was time to break things off. (I’m sorry to say that my irrational dating habits still really haven’t improved since all this)

While doing laundry just before we ended things, I found a pair of white underwear in the load with my bedding. I informed her that I had found the ones she was missing.

She came over one last time and I wanted to make sure she left with her knickers. I cheerfully handed them over and was greeted with a horrified response.

They weren’t hers.

I shrugged and informed her they must have been left in the dryer by one of my roommates and thought nothing of it. I knew I hadn’t been with another girl the entire time I dated her, so why worry? I was telling the truth.

She clearly did not believe me.

She was livid, as you can expect. Non-exclusive relationship or not, you still don’t want to be handed underwear belonging to someone’s “other lover.”

But, I had no other lover.

I even asked my roommates at the time if the underwear belonged to them. It did not. They shall forever remain a mystery in my life. A mystery that pissed someone off a whole hell of a lot.


Part of me looks back on it now and smiles. Not because I hurt her but because she always (correctly, mind you) assumed I was harmless. I would never date anyone else, even if I wasn’t “exclusive” with her. I was the dedicated one and she wasn’t. At least now she probably doesn’t think that. She’s probably thinking, “Kim Wetter, that player” – said no one ever.

One Response to “The Story of the Mystery Underwear”


    i love this shit. is it possible you bought a pair–excuse me, a pack–of underwear and didn’t even take note of the color…? mayhaps they’re your effing knickers. irregardless, you’re hilarious.

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